Advice from a friend..

So a friend of mine recently suggested that I should blog about my journey to motherhood. Most of my close friends and family know that it has been a long hard road already. My husband and I decided fairly quickly after getting married that we wanted to start a family. Most people know he is older than me, and while he has more energy then most 20 year olds, he of course doesn't want to be too old when our child is grown. So like most women, I think, "Oh a few months and it will happen!". It just seems to easy to get pregnant, especially when EVERYONE around you is! Well that didn't happen. Months and Months and MONTHS went by...nothing. So, I decided to visit my Dr and explain our situation. She referred me to an amazing Ob/Gyn who is so energetic and positive..that I actually LIKE going to see him. Who actually likes visiting that kind of Dr? I am weird..this I know.

After him running lots of blood tests, and tests on David of course. He couldn't find any obvious problems. I ovulate great, have great egg count and David..well he is excellent in that area that's all I'll say :) So he decided to do an x-ray type procedure of my uterus, where they run a catheter in..fill it with dye and let it run through you to see if there's any blockage or scar tissue. Man it was painful. But, again, nothing came back. "Your uterus is beautiful" is what he said. He also told me, as well as the Nurses in his offices that a lot of women get pregnant after having that procedure because it kind of blows up your tubes and cleans them out. So, this was exciting news to me. I thought "Maybe that's just what I needed, to be cleaned out or something".

Well guess what? 4 weeks and 3 positive pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I was pregnant. There are no words to describe how I felt when reading those tests. I think I cried for hours, counted down the hours until David got home, and then just wanted to scream it from the roof tops. I did pretty much tell everyone I know. I guess this is kind of a no no until you're about three months along, but I was just too excited. Now I know, it is a big no no. I was about 8 weeks along. Never felt better except EXTREME tiredness. I remember sleeping for like 10 hours at night, then waking up taking a shower and heading out to town with David to go Christmas shopping and after walking around for about 20 minutes, I was so tired I was in tears. I guess that was another "symptom" I had..I cried at everything. I had also started a new job. I was commuting about an hour and fifteen minutes each way for a week just for training. The actual job was in my own town, but the training was out in the city. I was stressing a lot, I hate driving, I hate traffic and I'm not used to driving in the city. Of course I was also stressing about starting a new job, wondering if I was making the right decision of leaving what was my current job, a waitress at Harris Ranch.

Most waitresses don't like their jobs. This I know. But me, again, I'm weird. I liked it. I LOVED it. Harris Ranch is right off I-5, halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles. I loved interacting with people. I loved hearing about where they were going, where they were coming from, how their trips were, seeing the kids all decked out in their leftover Disneyland gear. Plus, the tips weren't bad either. :) It was very hard for me to leave this job, but ultimately, it came down to the management being a huge problem. So, this added to my stress. I loved my job, I loved my co-workers, knew I was making a better decision, just couldn't really accept it.

I finished my week long training for the Bank job, and spent the weekend with my hubby. I wasn't feeling that good, but didn't think much of it. I started cramping and spotting which I knew wasn't a good sign. So, we went to the ER, and of course heard the dreaded news. "Sorry, there's no baby." I was pretty much inconsolable for the next month or so. I cried myself to sleep every night, just couldn't accept it. I finally went back to work, to try and keep my mind off of it, and decided to stay part time at Harris Ranch. I figured I needed to be around a comfortable environment, with my friends, people who know and love me and were there to give me a hug when I walked in the door.

I thought since it happened once, surely it would happen again. But it didn't. So about a year ago, we went to an actual fertility clinic. Again they ran blood tests, tests on David, no problems. So they immediately started me on Clomid. I was so excited, as I always do, I put all my eggs in one basket and knew it would work. It didn't. So the next month they upped my dose, and actually did an insemination procedure. This I knew HAD to work. Again, it didn't. After about two more months of the Clomid, they started me on actual injections. David had to give me a shot every night in my stomach for about 10 days. Painful, but worth it. I had so much hope this time. We decided to do the insemination procedure again, and it just happened to fall on November 19th, my birthday. This had to be the time it would work I thought. Again, no. So, a few more months back on the Clomid, because the injections were just to expensive with Christmas around the corner and other things we had planned, and still nothing.

So, after thousands of dollars spent, and no results, I have decided to take a break I guess you would say. Mainly because I have other health issues going on and have to be on medications which shouldn't be taken during pregnancy but I have gone back to my awesome Ob/Gyn, because there were some pretty big cysts found on my left ovary, and I'm pretty adamant on them testing me for Endometriosis. I am currently taking birth control (ick) to try and shrink the cysts, and I go back to see him on the 15th so see if it's worked, it not, they have to come out they said because they are too big.

I am no longer putting all my eggs in one basket. I am handing this over to God. God knows how badly I want to be a mother and without sounding conceited or something I think he knows that I will be a great mother, as my Pastor recently explained to me, I am already a mother. My baby is in heaven, and I will see him/her when I get there. This is something that might sound kind of weird, but was something I struggled with. What happened to my baby? Will it go to heaven? Because everyone is written in the book of life, and my baby was alive. I cling to a verse he gave to me from Psalms 139: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So, for those of you that pray, just keep me and my struggle in your prayers. I know that God will bless me, whether it be with my own, or through adoption for a child that needs a loving home. I just hope and pray that this day comes soon!

"When you were in the womb I knew you" Isaiah 49:1