Endometriosis Awareness Month

Well, as most of you know (because I bugged everyone on Facebook) March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. As we are in the final day of the month, I thought I should post (not just because it's been awhile) my struggles with this disease, how much this disease has not only affected me since my teen years (before I was even diagnosed..Mom says she always knew) but affected the last three years of my life. It's affected my relationship with my husband, my friends, even my family. It's shook me to my core at times, it's had me hating life, it's had me so angry at God, and yet, in the past three or so months it's helped create a relationship with God that I wish everyone could experience. I'll end the blog with some recent updates with my health for those of who you don't know, and then I'll try to remember to blog more often, per mother's orders :)

It's been close to three years since I was diagnosed. Like I mentioned before, my mom says she always knew. It took a lot of visits to my Ob/Gyn in Hanford, a lot of ultrasounds, a LOT of months of him just telling me to wait it out and see if I would get pregnant (as this was something else we were pursuing and seeing him for) before he finally agreed to a diagnostic surgery due to the fact that I had a large mass on my left ovary. I was scared out of my mind to have surgery, but just knew I was going to get the answer I'd been looking for all these years. Obviously, yes, I was diagnosed. Thrown on hormones and told to come back every three months to see how I was improving. I wasn't. I was actually getting worse. But I had started back at work (after being out on disability for about 9 months due to Mono, problems that I can now say were due to the Endo, and some other health problems) and was hoping that maybe getting back into a routine, excersising daily, eating healthy might help my symptoms. It didn't. I was forced to resign from my position at the bank after having multiple fainting spells that were pretty bad. My Dr. wrote me off "indefinitely" until they could figure out exactly what it was. Well, pretty sure I knew what it was..but she was sending me to neurologists and things like that. Ultimately, the bank couldn't hold my position while I was going through all of these appointments, tests, trying different medications, ect. I understood of course, and knew there was no way I could even hold a job. Thankfully though, the disability through that company has really been on my side and I still recieve a monthly check. That has been such a blessing, even if it isn't what I was making, every bit helps.

So, I then started the quest to find a specialist. Not an Ob/Gyn. Their main focus is delivering babies, and I needed someone who was educated about this disease and was an actual surgeon. In March of last year, I was referred to one in Fresno by a woman at David's work who's daughter also has Endo. Just from going over pictures from my previous surgery, hearing all of my symptoms, and performing a "deep tissue" pelvic exam which left me basically lifting up off the bed, screaming and in tears, he knew my case was bad. I was scheduled for surgery that day, for about a month and a half later. On May 9th of last year, I underwent an almost five hour surgery of him cutting out this disease that he says I was "covered in" and was one of the most complex cases he's ever seen. I also once again had a very large mass on my left ovary. It took me a very long time to recover from that surgery. I got very minor positive results. Having sex was totally out of the option (My poor husband..and mom for having to read that part), but it was just way too painful. Might I add what a very patient and loving husband I have? That poor man ;) The left side was still in constant pain every day it seemed, my weight dropped significantly, I became more fatigued, and not because he didn't do his job. I was informed by him that it was Stage 4. The worst of all the stages. It would be a lifelong battle. Seven months past, periods continued to stay worse, left side pain got extremely worse, I basically was bedridden everyday it seemed. I decided to make a very hard choice, and have my left ovary removed.

When I came to him with this decision, he thought that he probably should have removed it in May, but in someone my age with no children, they do try to save them. But he agreed, it was probably beyond repair and not even functioning right anyway. So, on December 2nd..I said goodbye to that little bitch. Recovery was rough, but quick. I had I think one, maybe two periods that weren't bad, but as of now, I'm back to them being just as bad. It's something that I don't think will be fixed until I decide to remove all of those parts. Again, sorry mom, but I do once again have a sex life (Yay for David! Haha) as I don't have that constant side pain anymore, or any pelvic pain really until it is time for my period. I haven't actively tried to get pregnant, as far as timing it with ovulation and all of that just because I feel we went through such a rough patch with it before, that I don't want it to seem like a job. David doesn't deserve that, at least for awhile anyway :) I unfortunately do still suffer with the fatigue and dizzy spells, and have passed out a few times during my periods. I forgot to mention through all of this, the bladder issues I had been having since around the time I had that surgery in May of last year. Well, looking back, I've had them for awhile, it just got drastically worse. I've always, even since I was a kid, had issues with frequency and urgency. I also would get that terrible pain that only comes when you get the oh so fun UTI..but yet when I would go to the Dr. I would test negative for the bacteria in my urine.

In the past year, it's become very painful. My bladder aches after urinating, especially first pee of the day since it's been sitting for awhile. I wake up at least 4 times a night to pee, the "UTI feeling but not a real UTI" pain was a weekly thing. I started researching online. I found this disease called Intertisital Cystitis. I had every symptom listed. It is an auto-immune disease that attacks the lining of your bladder. It is very common in women with Endo. So, two weeks ago I saw a Urologist who was able to confirm that yes, I do have IC. It is yet another, uncurable, lifelong disease that as Wikipedia puts it "is a devastating and very painful disability". Oh yay. I had read months ago that "triggers" for IC are things like caffeine, citrus based drinks, drinks with citric acid, bananas, alcohol (Nooo!), tomato based products and a few others contribute to having "flare ups". So I started doing tests. I've always been a huge lover of anything lemon or lime. Lemonade, Strawberry Lemonade, those oh so delicious Limeades from Sonic (Oh Lord, how I will miss you)..I noticed that after consuming one of these drinks. I was peeing constantly, sometimes up to four times an hour, and the bladder pain and achy feeling would start as soon as it emptied. Same thing with caffeine. Alcohol..well. Beer has always done that to me. Tossing back a few beers with the hubby and some friends would always have me running to the bathroom all night, so I cut beer out awhile ago, before I even knew about IC. One of my favorite cocktails, a cheap one I could make at home, was Malibu Rum with Pineapple Juice. Thinking back to all the times I had them, it was the same thing, back and forth to the bathroom all night. So, I'm strictly a wine girl now. Whites only, as Reds seem to have a similar effect.

It will be hard. Well, it has been hard. I started cutting these things out months before I was even diagnosed just to see how it would effect my body. It's hard to go out for drinks with friends and not indulge in my good 'ol Malibu cocktail, or a Midori Sour which I also loved. It's hard giving up Coca-Cola, and coffee, iced tea has always been a fave of mine (which I always added Sweet 'n Lows too which is a huge no no with IC patients. None of those artifical sugars are allowed), even a cup of hot tea I can't have. Don't tell my Grandma Blair that, please. They still have tea times back in Norwalk (They're from Ireland..it's what they do) and turning down a cup of tea..will earn you a not so nice look from that lady.

So..what is my treatment plan for this lovely new disease I will now have to deal with forever? Well, it includes a six week bladder treatment. Once a week we'll have to make the drive to Fresno (I'm so fed up with those by now), and I will get to say hello to my friends the stirrups. She will be numbing the urethra, then inserting a catheter to numb the bladder and fill it with medication. Sounds fun right? I'm pretty nervous about it, but am desperate for relief at this point. I feel like the ladies on those bladder control commercials where they can't partake in any activities with their friends or family because of their bladder control. I don't let it stop me from doing that, but I'm surrounded with understanding people who know that if we're on a road trip or whatever and I say we need to stop so I can pee, they know it's serious business. In fact, I have such great friends, that when we took a Disneyland trip back in October, they didn't mind all of my million bathroom trips :)

So..where do I go from here? I'm not sure. But I know in these past three years of dealing with Dr's, who, some of them didn't want to listen, ER trips, procedures, surgeries, invasive exams, a bajillion blood tests, medications, nervous breakdowns and yes, even therapy..I've learned that I'm a fighter. I won't let these conditions bring me down. I won't let them break me. They make me fight harder, and appreciate life more. Not saying I was at a point where I could have died, but let's face it, my quality of life hasn't been the best in the past, I did want to give up (not in a suicidal way..just give up and not fight back). All I know is that not only has it taught me so much about who I am, who I want to be, who's there for me and who's not, but it's brought me closer to God than I have ever been in my life. I decided, there is nothing I can do about my conditions. Crying and getting depressed isn't going to change it. It's only going to bring me down to a bad place that I've been once before and refuse to get to again. I sat one night on my couch and felt this overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I started to pray for strength, for understanding, for healing, for all of my relationships. God was quick to deliver. This was back in December, and I can't describe how much it has changed my outlook on things already. I read my Bible everynight, I pray a few times a day, a lot of times David prays with me. I am at peace with this difficult body of mine. God made me this way, and yes, while I have cursed him in the past, I know He has his reasons. He will not give me more than I can handle. In the past, I couldn't handle it. But now, I can. I'm positive about things. I know He is there by my side through it all.

So, are you wondering, where does a Baby Van Ingen fit in with all of this new stuff going on, like with the bladder treatments, the ovary removal, ect. Well, this is another thing that God has helped me with in so many ways. I can honestly say, I no longer sit and wonder "Why me? Why can't you just give me a baby? This isn't fair! Blah Blah Blah". No. I really feel that God knows my heart, he knows that being a mother is the most important thing in the world to me, aside from my marriage. He has helped me realize that..it's time to move on to the next step. I am confidant, because of what I have felt from Him, that this is going to bring us our baby we have waited so long for. We have made the decision to move on to IVF. My amazing parents are generously helping us with this decision, and I can't say when exactly we will start the process, it is in the near future. We do have a consult on April 17th just to meet with the Dr, have him look over my case, get the estimates of the cost, learn about what all I will be going through, ect. We also want to make sure that I'm healthy before we start the process. I currently am still struggling with weight issues, so I would like to get up to at least 100-105 lbs. I also have a severe Vitamin D deficiancy that my Endocrinologist is dealing with, and then of course the bladder treatments. Ultimately, I am hoping we can start the process in late Summer. Which could end up with me being pregnant at Disneyland in September, but hey, Tower of Terror can wait :)

I have an Uncle in Arizona who is a very spritual man. His daughter, my cousin Sarah is the closest thing I have to a sister. She has been right there with me since I began this new relationship with God. She told me that her dad confided in her a few months ago that one morning while he was reading this Bible and then praying afterwards, he felt God put it on his heart to pray for myself, David and for our baby. He said it was like God spoke to him and told him that we need to stay strong and that our baby is coming. I thought that was so amazing. Being as, I never really see him (He is divorced from my dad's sister and has been since 1996, but I still refer to him as Uncle Steve because I grew up with him, and he still treats me like family when I do get the chance to see him) and don't have a close relationship, but yet, God still put this on his heart. When I heard this, it brought me to tears. The next day, I realized how much God has already changed the way I'm looking at things. If I would have heard this say, a year ago, my initial reaction would see this as a sign and I would basically put all my hopes into this and think "Well that means it's true, it's going to happen!". I didn't think that way at all. I thought it was amazing and so beautiful, and I appreciate it beyond words can say. But because I trust in God, that he is leading me down this path, that he knows what's best, he is leading me towards eventually becoming a mother, and if he feels the need to put it on other people's hearts to pray for us, well than that's just awesome. But I can think rationally about things like this now. Thank you Lord.

So, as Endometriosis Awareness Month comes to an end, for the first year in a long time..I am at peace with this disease. Like I said, I refuse to let it break me. I have many people to thank for standing by me, for being my biggest advocates, my shoulders to cry on, my safe place. God, first and foremost. David, for being the most kind, loving, compassionate man I could have ever hoped for. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for not letting me give up, for picking me up off my knees when I just couldn't do it myself, for taking such amazing care of me after every surgery, and still finding me what you say as "The most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on" even afer having to change my catheter bags. For never thinking I was crazy, and for being my biggest fan at all of the Dr's appointments and never letting them try to convince me "It's all in your head". To my parents for always being there to listen, for helping financially in times when we've needed it, physically in times we've needed it, and emotionally in times we've needed it. For not thinking I'm crazy after all these years, and for loving me during the times when you may have thought I was :) To my best friend Marcy for being the Christina to my Meredith (You Grey's Anatomy fans will get that one), for always checking up on me, and even coming and beating on my door if I haven't responded to an "Are you ok text". Her and her husband are truly blessings in our lives, as our my parents, and many other family members I haven't mentioned.

I will end this by thanking all of you who have helped me spread awareness this past month, even some who have donated to the Endometriosis Foundation of America. I will have to add a picture to this blog later of me in a customized shirt promoting awareness. It's pretty awesome. I'm also posting lyrics to a song that fits my life with every single word..

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

New Year..it is the start of my new life.

Since a few weeks before Christmas, I could feel God trying to connect with me. Just for the record, I have never NOT believed in God. Throughout childhood I can remember going to different churches in our small town of Whidbey Island, Washington. Once we moved to California, I don't remember going. But I never stopped believing in God and the stories I learned in the bible. I was never discouraged from going, as my mom is a believer, we were just a busy Navy family and didn't make the time. I started going to a church that was very different from any I'd ever been to in August 2005. It was a Southern Baptist Church here in Coalinga. I won't lie and say I didn't feel awkward when David asked if I would go with him. But I went, and I went a lot. I enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed other adults coming up to me explaining how glad they were to see David here with someone who treats him so well and they could tell he was really happy, where as before, he wasn't. So yes, to say that didn't excite me would be a lie. I was baptised in that church in August of 2009 and became a member. I helped do things like Night Light, Nursery Sitting, stuff like that. Then in Nov 2009 I had my first abdominal surgery to try and diagnose the endometriosis and I haven't been back to church since then. For awhile, I did kind of stray from God. I became very angry with him. Why can all these single mothers on welfare get knocked up and keep popping them out like nothing and I can't? How come girls who aren't even married to their boyfriend of a year get pregnant so easily and I can't? Why did I have to have that miscarriage? I should have my 3 year old beautiful child here with us now. Why do I have to go through all these surgeries with no resolution? Well..it hit me a few weeks before Christmas. I had my left ovary removed on Dec 2nd. I had a really quick recovery from it. The first 2-3 days were bad..but nothing compared to the one in May. My period came on time and was a bad one, but not as bad. I just started noticing things around me that I felt was God..that he wanted me back..and I felt the same way. I wanted the relationship that I had with him before. So I made promises to myself..I'm going to read my bible every night, I'm going to pray hard every night and pray for people you probably wouldn't expect me to pray for, but there's a reason for it. I want to be able to give all my frustrations, all my anxieties, my fears, everything...and give it to God.

Well let me tell you that after about three weeks of doing this..I can't even describe how much better I feel. Just about all things in general. But, of course when I pray I ask God that he give me some relief from all the pain that endometriosis causes, and I ask that he let my body heal the way it needs to heal in order for us to get pregnant. Well..my last period, which was last week, was one of the EASIEST ones I've ever had. Almost no hardcore cramping at all. Bleeding wasn't too heavy and I was able to be up and functioning. I felt this as a sign from God that my body is healed and a baby could possibly be the next step. Which is why I'm asking for his help for other things in my life as well. Because I know I will be an amazing mom, the things about myself that I wouldn't want my kids to know about like cussing, certain TV shows, movies or music that I like..I should be cutting back on those things. Not all of the stuff, but let's face it, a lot of TV out there is trash today and I've gotten suckered in. I just want to be the best mother I can possibly me. I want to set the example for my child. How many times do you hear parents say they hope their kid doesn't turn out like them? Well..that's sad to me. Of course I would want a better education for them than I did. I would've went that route but decided to stay with some stupid boy instead. But as far as my "being". The person that I am..I want my child to see me as a role model, someone they would like to be like when they grow up. So I'm slowly starting a process on becoming the woman I hope to be as a mother.
I can't tell you how much praying every night has so far changed my life. It's like 15 minutes alone with God where I just pray for my friends and family, of course others that I feel need it, and then I just start handing over my illness, my anxieties, my fears, my stress about whatever it is that day..and the list goes on. It does so much for me.

I also was introduced to this video the other day...and I couldn't agree with it more. While I would never bash the church (and he doesn't either, check out his fb page) I do believe so many people are there for the wrong reasons. I won't lie and say I never felt judged in church, especially being in a second marriage and all. But when it comes down to it, I felt like I never was able to fully worship because I just didn't feel comofortable. I'm sure some of it is my own fault for worrying what people are thinking, either way, there are a lot of things that I just never understood about the way the church works. This video explains everything I have wondered and more.

Thanksgiving 2011

I have to say, this was my all time favorite Thanksgiving. I actually feel "homesick" for it..I want to go back to those wonderful five days spent with the family I adore oh so much. This was the first year that David was actually able to get the holiday off. Due to "won't be named" person in his department, she was only hired two days before him which meant she had seniority. She always requested the whole week of Thanksgiving and Christmas off. So unfair considering she's like in her 50's and her kids are all grown. And how insensitive to take up both holidays? There's other people out there with families, ya know? Alternate or something, sheesh. So we've never been able to have a big 'ol family Holiday with my big 'ol family :) She moved out of the department at the beginning of the year, which means my hardworking man now has seniority in his department and first order of business was taking time off for Thanksgiving and planning a trip to Arizona to my grandparents house. We've been looking forward to it ALL year. Of course my parents made the drive up from Tucson to Prescott, and my cousin Sarah who lives about 15 minutes from my grandparents stayed the night all the nights we were there with her kiddies who I love so much.

We left pretty early on Wednesday morning..about 2:15 am. The drive is about 8 hours depending on traffic. I didn't even bother sleeping that night, with so much packing to do and all, I just figured I'd stay up and sleep in the car. Worked perfectly, I slept pretty much the whole way. Sorry, probably should've kept David company..oops. We got to my grandparents around noon. My parents were already there and had Dunkin Donuts waiting. I can't stress enough my love for Dunkin Donuts. I'm deprived here in California, because we have NONE. I only get them in Arizona, Connecticut, or at JFK Airport in NYC before I fly out. SO unfair. Sorry to all you Starbucks freaks, and hey, I like them as much as the next guy, but I'd gladly trade them for Dunkin Donuts. Their donuts are bomb..the coffee is bomb. What's not to love? California, work on adding a few, k? It was so good to see my grandparents, parents and brother. I miss them all dearly. We hung out and caught up for a few hours, then Sarah showed up and we all hung out for the night. Had a few beers, and made it kind of an early night since we were all pretty exhausted.

Thanksgiving morning I was up pretty early. Arizona is an hour ahead of us, so it's rare to be up at 7am..but I was. Headed straight for the Dunkin Donuts :) Anxiously awaiting the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which I might add..was a huge disappointment this year. They hardly showed the balloons!! So instead, us "kids" meaning myself, David, Kyle, Sarah and Sharayah watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. Dinner was ready around 3 and oh my..was it delicious. Great Mamaw food, great time spent with family over dinner. Love it. We all were drinking wine with dinner, then my cousin and I upgraded to White Russians. That night we had fun in the living room with my parents and Mamaw. Dancing to some Johnny Cash and having some laughs. They also got the idea to pull out my Mamaw's 55 year old wedding dress and have me try it on. It fit perfectly and I felt so honored to be wearing it. She told me when David and I get remarried I can wear it and I for sure will because it's beautiful and totally my style. We definitely plan on renewing our vows as soon as we have paid off all our bills and have the money to do it no big, but semi-big. Funny though, how after 55 years, it's still stylish. Very classy..strapless and lacy with a little shrug to go over it. I even got a picture of myself in it with both my grandparents. Talk about a precious photo. I want to get it framed for them because they were both very touched by it. I'll never forget my Grandad's face as I walked into the room. It was fun in the bathroom trying it on, Sarah was helping me and it was funny, actually like a real wedding. Holding the dress up, adjusting me, zipping it up in the back. I got a kick out of it. I'm going to do a separate post of just the pictures, which unfortunately didn't take very many this trip because I was just enjoying a relaxing trip. This was the first time we've gone and been able to be there for that many days, it was just so nice.

Friday morning Sarah got to pick up her two kids who had spent Thanksgiving with their dad. It was hard not having the kids there for dinner, and I felt so bad for Sarah because it was the first holiday she's had to spend without her kids as her and her ex husband just got divorced in July. We missed Joseph and Emma there for sure. So, after she picked them up, David, myself, Sharayah, Kyle, and of course Sarah and the kids headed to try to do a little Black Friday shopping. My brother and I are movie hoarders and they had such good deals going on we wanted to take advantage. I'm missing New Moon from my Twilight Collection and Target had it for 3.99, I'm also a huge Modern Family fan but didn't start watching until the end of the first season and since I couldn't find the episodes online, they had the complete first season on sale for 12.99..down from like 38.99..talk about a steal. I also got The Blindside (one of my faves) for like 4 bucks, and The Princess Diaries for 5. I have the second one on dvd, but when the first one came out I still had a VCR so I have he VHS and my ocd kicks in with my Disney movies so I had to complete the collection. I also picked up some super cute Mickey PJ pants for myself, and my bestie Marcy for only 10 bucks. Successful Black Friday in my books!

After that, we took everyone to see The Muppet Movie..something I had been looking forward for a year since I saw some leaked pictures from filming and heard the plot of the story. I'm a huge Jason Segal and Amy Adams fan so that also intrigued me..not to mention who didn't grow up loving the Muppets. Kermit was always my favorite of course :) I think I need to watch the movie again though. I was SO flippin' tired that day. I was having a lot of pain the night before after we went to bed it started kicking in and I didn't sleep well at all so I wasn't focused and yes, I did nod off a few times..I'll admit it. Not because it was boring, I was just THAT tired. Friday was also exciting because we had more family coming up that day. My cousin Jen, her husband Alex, and their two amazingly adorable kids, Logan and Ava. Logan is my little Disneyland bud. We talk about Disneyland all the time. Yeah, he's 5 and remembers the exact name of all the rides, knows which rides are in what "Land", and can tell you what other stuff is near the rides. Super smart. Miss Ava is all about Disney Princesses, so yeah, I love hanging out with those two sweeties. But of course, with their parents too. Jen and Alex are super fun to be around and always bring fun games for us to play..after the kids go to sleep of course because they are pretty raunchy ones. Our favorite game is called "The Game of Things"..and I've never laughed so hard in my life as I do while playing that game with my family. Of course it was quite a few of us, David, myself, my brother, my parents, Sarah, and Jen and Alex..so a lot of funny answers and long times spent hysterically laughing, trying to guess who wrote what answer.

The next day, Saturday, I was very excited because again, more family was coming. My Aunt Pat & Uncle Bruce, and my cousin Megan, her husband, and their adorable son Evan who was just about to turn 5 months. I was so looking forward to meeting this little guy. I kind of hogged him a lot, but hey, I'm the only one without my own baby so I have a right to :) He's such a calm baby, never cried while I was holding or rocking him or playing with him. I was able to make him laugh so much and baby laughs warm my heart like no other. I was so happy I got to meet him. He's got to be one of the most adorable baby boys I have ever seen. We all went for lunch at Prescott Brewing Company and it was delicious and awesome to have to many of us together like that. It seems like we haven't all been together like that in so long. Every time I go to Arizona, I make an attempt to see everyone, but with everyone working and having kids, and not all living in the same city, the visits are usually broken up to see a couple of cousins here for a day or two in Phoenix, then visit with my cousin Sarah when we go see Mamaw and Grandad in Prescott since she lives about 10 minutes away. So it was nice to finally all be together, with my parents there as well. Lunch was delicious! We then went across the street and took a few family pics, let the kids play in the leaves, and headed back to Mamaw's. My dad made his awesome Tri-Tip Sandwiches (to die for!), and my cousins and I discovered a new drink. Whipped Cream flavored vodka, mixed with orange soda. O...M...G. It tastes just like an orange creamsicle. It's my new favorite thing. I want to buy a bottle again and try it with root beer. We spent that evening sipping down quite a few of those drinks (which don't really get you drunk by the way, just taste yummy. A little buzz but didn't last long), and playing Poker and Texas Hold 'Em. Mine and David's first time playing..Sharayah also played..and us Van Ingen's won the most. Woo hoo! We make an awesome team. We played another game of "Things"..this time there was A LOT of us so we didn't make it through a full round..but let's just say..the answers that night are ones that will go down in history. My family is hilarious and we don't really hold back.

Sunday was pretty bittersweet. Everyone left, and I had my usual hysterical crying fits. Everyone left at separate times which made it harder lol. But of course, saying bye to my parents and brother is always the hardest. So, I had to go downstairs and lay down for awhile for my anxiety attack to pass. David came down and just held me for awhile. Then we took Sharayah to the mall there so she could spend some birthday money. Unfortunately since the last time I was there, that mall has gone way downhill. It's still really nice inside because it isn't that old, but so many stores have closed. Hot Topic was still there and she was able to get a few things. My sweet husband bought me a Disney Plaque from Hallmark..it says "Even Miracles Take a Little Time - Cinderella". I think it totally fits my life..as far as the baby thing goes so it was a perfect little gift to cheer me up after being pretty down after everyone left. He also bought me a Mister Misty from Dairy Queen (my favorite and we have none around here). We went back to Mamaw's and I took a nap before they took us out to dinner. They took us to this beautiful restaurant that's in a casino up on top of a mountain so you can see the whole city from the the windows. I ordered stuffed prawns with lobster and some kind of tomatillo sauce and was really looking forward to it since Mamaw said it was really good. After I placed my order, about ten minutes later and they tell me they're all out. So I went with shrimp scampi which was kind of ehh. But everyone else enjoyed their food and it was very pricey so it's not like I was going to complain. I take that back, my food was good, but I have a lot of stuff I have to stay away from and I could tell instantly it wasn't going to agree with me so I could only take a few bites. But it was still a lovely time spent with my Grandparents. I was still super exhausted so I hit the hay as soon as we got home, David stayed up awhile talking with them. I love that about him. He really enjoys my family and can totally hang out with them on his own without feeling awkward. My grandparents (and the rest of my fam too) really adore him and that makes my heart happy.

Monday was when we had to hit the road..so we got one more yummy Mamaw breakfast, spent a little more time with them and said our goodbyes. We met up with Sarah and Emma in Chino for lunch at a Mexican place. She's always someone I have a hard time saying bye to because we're really close. So we decided the day before when she left Mamaw's that we would meet for lunch on our way out. We weren't in a hurry since David had the next day off. So we had a good lunch, and then hit the road. It always seems so much longer on the way back. But we left AZ at about 1:30 and got home at about 10. David and spent the next day just relaxing and I got him to watch ET with me.

All in all, it was such a great trip and Thanksgiving. I love and adore my family so much and just wish we all lived closer. When I have kids of my own, I would love for them to grow up with my parents close by, and with cousins they can play with. Maybe someday. But both myself and David and Sharayah all said what a great time we had. I'm so glad also that Sharayah went and got to meet a lot more of my family. We can't wait to plan another trip very soon! Maybe this summer.

Saturday we head off to Bakersfield for our first Van Ingen Family Christmas get together this year. We'll be at my Father-in-Laws and his new wife (who is awesome by the way) and my sister in law and her husband and their four kids will be there as well. It was a blast last year. I'll just have to be careful this year and not get too rowdy with all the girls since I just had surgery two weeks ago and still have quite a bit of pain. We'll have Christmas with us and the kids here in the morning, then they will go to their mom's. So David and I will get to have the evening to ourselves and cook a yummy dinner together and cuddle and watch Christmas Story. Then we'll have another Van Ingen Christmas a few days later at David's mom's, again my sis in law and her family will be there as well. I should mention they live in the LA area and don't see them often so we enjoy getting to spend some Holiday time with them. Here's to Holidays with our families..there's nothing like it. We are so blessed. Picture posts to come soon!

Long time, no blog!

Gosh it's been forever! So much to write about! Birthday, A trip to Arizona, surgery..it's been crazy for the past two months it seems. So I'll have to divide it up in a few posts since I kind of need to get to bed soon as I have two appointments tomorrow. One is super early in Visalia, the other late in the afternoon in Fresno. I can't wait until we can move out of Coalinga and not be so far away from everything. I swear, even when I just have one appointment in Fresno it turns into an all day thing. Anyway, so I'll start with the most recent event. My surgery on December 2nd. I had a really hard time deciding if I should go through with it. Even though it was stressed to me numerous time about how "horrific" my left ovary was, and how I was in constant pain almost every day, a lot of times to the point I couldn't hardly get out of bed..I still couldn't bear the thought of not having two ovaries and doing something to decrease my chances of getting pregnant. I had a lot of talks with my cousins in Arizona who are like my sisters, my mom, my Aunt, a few of my friends, David and even my stepdaughter about how it was the right thing to do. I have to say, I have an amazing support system of family and friends, I am blessed to have them.

So, on last Friday, I went through with it. The surgery was scheduled for 1 pm..but I don't think I got wheeled back to the OR until about 3. Typical for afternoon surgeries I guess. Normally I'm the first one so it's always right on time. I have to say, this time was kind of nice. I didn't have to do the bowel prep the day before (WORST thing ever by the way), and didn't have to be to Clovis Community until 11 am, which meant I got to sleep in and just have kind of a relaxing morning. The surgery lasted about two and a half hours. The waking up from surgery was the worst experience I've had by far. I literally woke up screaming and crying from the pain. That's never happened before. The other times, I just wake up and already have enough pain meds in me to not be that uncomfortable and then they'll give me more once I wake up and eat a cracker and drink some juice. I felt like this time I didn't even have control over the screaming and crying. It was just coming out of me like the Excorcist or something, haha. They gave me a ton of stuff through the IV and finally it started to dull the pain. It took forever for them to let David back there. I pretty much always ask over and over for my husband and I could tell I was bugging this certain nurse but oh well, I need my sweet guy by my side.

I wasn't in recovery for as long as last time, I think because it was Friday and late in the evening they kind of rushed me out of there. I was in there for about three and a half hours I think. I even had some visitors! Our friends Kenny and Alicia drove over to sit with me in recovery which worked out good because David had to go take my prescriptions to be filled before the pharmacy closed so I wasn't alone when he left. Only bad thing is they make me laugh a lot so it kind of hurt. Alicia thinks I'm hilarious after surgery (She was at my first one) when I'm all hopped up on meds so she was totally enjoying all the weird things I was saying, and my attempt to steal one of the nurses Minnie Mouse pens. Another thing that was nice about this recovery was they left my catheter in for me to be able to use for the next two days. I have other issues with my bladder, aside from the endometriosis, which make it impossible to empty on it's own after anesthesia. It was terrible the last time because it was filling up so fast but I wasn't able to get any urine out. Talk about painful. Finally after cathing me twice, they left it in. So this time we made sure they didn't take it out after surgery and sent us home with all the stuff to empty and for David to remove it. We left the hospital around 9pm, and my boo stopped at Wasabi and got me sushi for dinner. Even after puking in the car ten minutes before, I was still hungry..haha. Luckily, I had started to feel sick while they were wheeling me out so they sent me with two puke bags just in case. I would be pissed if I puked in our new car. All the pain meds they had me on made my stomach pretty queasy, but I was fine once I puked. (Don't you love how detailed I am? hehe)

We stayed at my mother in laws house Friday and Saturday just because we like to be close to the hospital if there's any complications. Those first two nights were the worst with pain and I had a hard time getting a full nights sleep. But I am doing better now. Still pretty sore. I have four incisions, and two little holes that look like drill holes. I don't know what they did through them, I've never had those kind before so I'll have to ask tomorrow at my post op. They're healing great though. I also started my period on Saturday which surprised me. It's been a bad one, but hey, aren't they all? Lots of cramping and heavy bleeding, but honestly, I'm actually glad it came. I was worried my cycles would get all out of whack with the removal of the left ovary. So, I'm hoping they stay on track. My Dr told David when he came out to talk to him after surgery that the left side was very bad, and he's glad I decided to do it because there was nothing else left he could've done for me to fix it. The right side looks perfect, and they only found a few spots of endometriosis which they lasered out. Last May I was totally covered in it. So it's very encouraging to hear that as of right now, I don't have endometriosis to prevent me from getting pregnant. I mean, yes I have the disease, and yes it always grows back, but right now I'm clear of it. He was very confident that I will be able to get pregnant fairly soon.

So, as soon as my period stops, and the soreness on my tummy goes away..it's serious baby making time :)))))

This may sound totally crazy, but I told David the other day, I feel like my ovary was like a demon or just something evil in my body that was doing more than causing intense pain. I can't really explain it, but I feel really different mentally since surgery. My mind just feel so much more clear. I feel more positive and upbeat. I feel more appreciative of things. I actually KNOW I will get pregnant where as before I was starting to give up. I was kind of miserable in more ways than one, and I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like this is a fresh start at everything. I attribute this not only to the surgery, but also I think God has a hand in it. It's not a secret that the past year or so I have kind of strayed. I feel him in my life right now so much more than I ever have, and I want to get back to having him in my life. I've also decided that in order to prepare for our future baby, I'm going to start taking steps to just be better and more mature about things. I want to be the person I'll be when I'm a mother. Which means I probably really need to stop cussing so much and maybe cutting a few trashy tv shows off my list. I want my child to grow up in a warm, nuturing and healthy home. My husband used to be really strict about these things when his kids were growing up. He has since changed a lot, I mean we still don't allow Rated R movies to be watched with them, or certain tv shows, but he knows he took things to the extreme and doesn't feel that extreme about it anymore.

I definitely don't want to take it that far..hey..I love my Friends reruns (and he even watches with me), my Real Housewives and Kardashians but those aren't really bad, and I wouldn't watch them with my kids anyway. But there are a few shows and movies that I won't be indulging in anymore. I just want to be a good role model for my child, I want them to stay innocent for as long as possible, and know the difference between good and bad. I know a lot of people talk crap about the Duggar Family, but I have to say, I totally admire them. The parents, and all of their kids are just so happy and such a strong and loving family. They have this amazing relationship with God and they trust that he will provide for them, and he has in so many amazing ways. They also give back in so many ways as well. Both David and I have said we would love to live that way. Not with the 19 kids..but you know what I mean :)

Anyway..I've totally rambled beyond my surgery here, but hey, that's what I do. Like I said, I feel in a way this is a second chance at so many things for me and I'm excited about it. Here's to 2012..and to soon to be Baby Van Ingen (Okay Mason, or Zooey..or Noelle) haha. Because yes..I know that he or she is coming. Soon.

Birthday & Arizona posts coming soon..

People throw rocks at things that shine..

Currently obsessing over Taylor Swift's new song, "Ours". Anyone who knows me knows I'm a HUGE Taylor fan. I don't think there's one of her songs I can't sing word for word. I love how she captures emotions and love so perfectly in her songs. She writes them all herself and I think she's amazingly talented, and such a great role model for young girls..there aren't too many of those these days. (Hello Kim Kardashian and your 72 day marriage).

There's so many of her songs that remind me of David, of my family, my friends, and I just love that. This one in particular reminds me of the beginning of our relationship..and how a lot of people were so skeptical about it. For really ridiculous reasons, like our age difference (who cares!) and the fact that I had recently split with my ex husband. I think we both got called "adulterers" at one point. Which is totally ridiculous considering David had been seperated for like almost two years when we started dating, he didn't leave his ex wife for me, or any other woman. It was a mutual decision to divorce. Nor did I leave my ex for David, or see him before we seperated. In fact, I was the one who was cheated on in that relationship. I guess if the people calling us that were uber religious bible thumpers than yeah, technically us both being legally married (which come to find out, I never even was legally married..Ha!) and dating someone else, yeah, it's adultery. I don't agree with that, but to each their own. All I know is, it amazes me how people can be so hateful and negative about people who are obviously so much in love. Love should be celebrated and admired. I love seeing other couples who are so much in love, and I thank those who are always complimenting our relationship and how lucky we both are. I think the best compliments I've ever recieved are from David's family. His mom, dad, and both of his sisters have actually thanked me for loving him. His mom especially is always telling me how she loves seeing her son so in love, and seeing him being treated the way he deserves. Well, it's my pleasure :)

The stakes are high, the water's rough..but this love is OURS..

Disney Challenge #7

Favorite Sidekick..






This guy is AWESOME. He's hilarious, has oodles and oodles of pizazz, and is Robin Williams. It's so much fun to watch him switch from character to character, especially during the song "Friend Like Me". Plus, he's central to the plot. He makes Aladdin a prince, saves his life twice, and is a good friend. Of course he works to the evil side for a bit, but that's not his fault. He still tries to help Al out from the bad guys side and is the best friend a person could ask for.

I also ADORE the Aladdin show at California Adventure..I swear it's as good as a Broadway production..and the Genie is awesome in it, and so hilarious!

How we spent our 5 Year Anniversary...

I felt very spoiled this year. We usually always do something for our anniversary, I think there's only been one year where we didn't take a trip because I was recovering from being extremely ill. I felt like I had almost a whole week celebration this year!

The morning of our anniversary was a Saturday, and I woke up to a delicious breakfast in bed from my husband. Biscuits and gravy (My absolute fave!), a mini cheese and mushroom omelet, hot tea and a fresh fruit smoothie. Plus a beautiful letter and card from him. We hadn't really planned on doing anything that day since we had our Disneyland trip planned and all. But after breakfast he decided he wanted to go to Fresno for some shopping and dinner at our favorite sushi place, Wasabi. Of course, I wasn't going to argue with that. We snuggled in bed and watched a few episodes of "How I Met Your Mother", then got ready to go. Of course, me being me, I love any excuse to put on one of my fancy dresses so I did just that. We had a lot of fun shopping, David got some new shoes and bought me a super cute hoodie and of course our dinner was amazing as usual. We always leave there totally stuffed and satisfied!

Sunday we relaxed most of the day and watched football, but also packed and got everything ready for our trip. We planned on leaving at 5am Monday morning..and I'm proud to say I was fully packed by 3pm on Sunday afternoon, and we left at about 5:15am on Monday. That has to be some kind of record for me :)

I think I probably only got like three hours of sleep..I was just WAY too excited! So when my alarm went off it wasn't too hard for me to jump out of bed and start getting ready. We were out the door at 5:15 and off to pick up Todd & Marcy! Woo hoo! Marcy brough along her six disc set of Disney Classic songs so we could set the mood. I'm sure our hubbys loved that! I think they're both used to it, considering how big of Disney freaks we both are. It's not very rare to hear me singing some Disney tunes while cleaning the house. Gotta make it fun!

We got to the park at about 9:30..and because our friends are like VIP Disneyland members, we got free parking the whole time we were there. Score! That saved like fifty bucks! Souvenir money, of course! Being the Disneyland fanatic that I am, I had our first few rides planned out. Normally I'm not the type to do that kind of thing, but when there's new rides with huge lines, you gotta do a little planning. In our case, the new Star Tours ride in 3D was just recently opened, and now that they have those handy dandy Fastpasses, we headed to get those first, and then..Space Mountain "Ghost Galaxy". They do it up for Halloween, but I'm old school and missed the "real" Space Mountain. Still fun though!! Next was the Finding Nemo submarines which are so cool. Then it was time to head back to Star Tours, and I must say, it's AWESOME!!!

The tram ride is always exciting to me..especially on the first day!


Messy hair from Space Mountain..but VERY excited for the new Star Tours!!


It was in the mid 80's that day, so we decided to cool down with Splash Mountain. Of course being the smallest, I had to sit in front and I got drenched! The hair definitely went up after that one!


I don't like being wet..


So after spending all day at Disneyland, which closed early due to a Halloween Party thing, we headed over to California Adventure. I was QUITE excited for this as The Little Mermaid ride recently opened, and let's face it, girls like me have been waiting 20 years for that one. With the whole Halloween Party going on at Disneyland, California Adventure was pretty much a ghost town that night so we walked onto every ride, which is always exciting. The Little Mermaid was everything I hoped it would be, just wish it was a tad longer, and maybe a little bit more of an explanation on how Ariel becomes a human at the end and marries Prince Eric. Other than that..beautiful and amazing!

Of course we hit up Tower of Terror a few times, and I got forced on the "Fun" Wheel..because my husband wanted our friends to hear how deathly scared of those swinging death cages I am. According to Todd, I sound like a rabid chihuahua. I later was rewarded with a big stuffed Dumbo that my husband won for me in one of the games on the boardwalk. Ok, I guess going on that thing was worth it then because he's so very cute!



Sure, it's pretty all lit up at night. But don't you dare get in one of the swinging ones. Go for the stationary!


Our first night ended with a fun dinner at the ESPN Zone in Downtown Disney. Best cheese fries ever, and the baseball games were on, major plus! Of course, I had to see the Yankees lose that night and hear the whole place cheering. Oh well, there's always next year! We were dead tired after dinner and I couldn't wait to snuggle into bed and get up early for Day 2!

Day 2 started off a bit rainy, but cleared up by afternoon and was pretty warm again. We hit up Fantasyland first thing, got on my favorite ride first, Peter Pan! Then of course Dumbo, Snow White, Pinocchio, Small World, Mr. Toad..and couldn't forget the Casey Jr train! We were rockin' the Mickey Mouse panchos too. Luckily it cleared up in time and they went ahead with Mickey's Soundsational Parade. I was very excited for this since some of my favorite characters were included, like Mary Poppins, who I've never seen in a parade before. Of course Rapunzel was there too with her tower and all that hair. It was a really cool parade, and we camped out for a bit before so we had great seats on the benches in Main Street! I was definitely in my happy place with my churro and watching the horses and trolleys go by as we waited.

It's my girl Rapunzel!


Mary Poppins & Bert!


After the parade, we hit up the Haunted Mansion, Jungle Cruise, Matterhorn, and then headed over to California Adventure to wait in line for another new ride, Goofy's Flight School, and then line up for World of Color. Oh World of Color, you are soooo amazing. I could watch it every night we were there, but of course there's other things to be accomplished :) I was quite excited they added Tangled into it. I think I squealed a bit and David gave me a big squeeze from behind. Yeah, everyone knows I'm kind of obsessed with that movie. We finished off the night with dinner and drinks at Red Robin.

Day 3 was definitely RAINY! The panchos were back on, and this time they were on all day. I didn't even bother straightening my hair this day, I let it be wild and curly. No use in trying to look cute when it rains..plus it meant sleeping in extra :) We were prepared with warm clothes and umbrellas, so we didn't let the rain get us down. Plus, the park was super empty this day. We walked on practically every ride. But, some stuff was closed which was a bummer. Tea Cups, Alice in Wonderland, Storybookland, and Thunder Mountain were all closed. But, that just meant we got to back the next day! Score! We spent Day 3 basically just doing whatever, we hit most of the rides up for a second time, or in the case of Tower of Terror, fourth time, and that wasn't even the last haha. We did Indiana Jones of course, and Roger Rabbit which was cool, I hadn't been on that one in years as it's always been closed for some reason the last couple of times we've been. We spent time in the stores, Marcy and I both drooling over all the cute stuff. Especially the Disney Dooney & Bourke purses..(hint hint for anyone shopping for my birthday or Christmas. I want the black princess one!!). We rode Toy Story Mania and Monsters Inc over at California Adventure, and also got a good look at Cars Land while riding the stationary cages of the Fun Wheel. Of course the rain was all up in our faces, but it was actually pretty hilarious. We rode the train all the way through Disneyland which I don't think I've actually done before. Normally we just ride it from Toon Town back to Main Street. But this time we rode it from Main Street, back to Main Street and then got off in New Orleans Square to go on Haunted Mansion again. After a fun filled rainy day, we headed back to the hotel for some hot tub time for my aching body (Yeah I'm like an old lady, my bones hurt when it rains!), followed up by warm showers, dry clothes and dinner at Buca De Beppos. Such a fun time at that place, and great food!!

Day 4, and the last day is always bittersweet. We woke up to beautiful weather though which was great because that meant for sure the stuff we missed would be open. So we headed to Thunder Mountain first, what a great ride to start the day off! Then over to Fantasyland for Tea Cups (4 of us in one trying to all spin it was quite hilarious), Alice and Storybook Land. Oh and the Tiki Room of course!! I also always have to do the walk through of Sleeping Beauty's Castle, it's so magical. Then of course, my usual photo op in front of the castle, and a stop at the Snow White wishing well.


My very own Prince!!


One of the many reasons I love him..because he poses for photos like this with me!


Look who I found!


And look who else!


Mom, I know you're super jealous since she dissed you all those years ago..


So, I took this picture for you :)


Tower of Terror!!


More Tower of Terror! I'll never get enough of this ride!



I had such a blast on this trip. Not only was it the best way to celebrate five years of marriage, but it was also so much fun sharing the experience with my fellow Disney Freak, Marcy! We're so lucky to have such great friends like them. Definitely one of my favorite Disneyland trips ever!

It will always be my favorite place (Even ahead of Disney World, which I've also been to), it's near and dear to my heart for so many reasons. I'll never forget the first time going with my parents and my brother. This trip definitely made me long for a family trip with them sometime in the near future!

Here's to many more Disney memories down the road..hopefully someday soon with my own little Disney Freak :) Yes, my child will have no choice in the matter!

And here's to five years of marriage with the best husband I could have ever imagined. Thank you for everything you do, and for making this one of the most memorable trips ever. I look forward to many more anniversaries and fun times. May we be as happy as Carl & Ellie. Even our bumps in the roads are adventures with you my love. Except somehow I know we'll get to our very own Paradise Falls in the end..

Five Years.

Holy shizballs. I've been married five years! It's hard to believe, but then in a way, it does feel like it's been that long. Sometimes it feels longer considering everything we've gone through.

It's no secret our relationship didn't start off as an easy one. Actually, I shouldn't say that. It was easy for us, not so much for other people. We both had been in bad marriages before we met. David had been seperated for a few years already, but I was freshly seperated and not really looking. I made a stupid decision at 18 to get married to the person I dated in high school. I was stubborn and wouldn't listen to everyone telling me it was a bad idea. I found out the hard way, as that person ended up hurting me in more ways than one, and when I look back, the signs were all there long before we got married, I just chose to ignore them. So, needless to say, when I started dating David only a few months after my break up, some people were skeptical. I think it mostly had to do with our age difference, because that's what I heard "gossiped" about a lot. It's funny though, so many people we worked with would come up to me and be like "OMG..you and David? That totally makes sense. You guys are perfect for eachother!". It's true. We are.

What most people don't know, don't care to know, or choose not to believe is, we were friends long before we started dating. I should clarify, we were work friends. Although he was seperated at the time, I wasn't. I think because I was in such a bad relationship, I kind of looked to David as the guy I wish my husband at the time was like. David just has a way about him. He's very friendly and outgoing. He's super hilarious, and very much a gentlemen. I remember coming into work and hearing him say "Hi gorgeous!", or things like that. That's how he is..I wasn't the only person he said them to, that's just kind of how he greets people. He made me look forward to going to work. Yeah, my home life was bad. I confided in him about things that were going on, and I think that's what made us more than just work friends. We never hung out or anything outside of work until I was seperated, but the fact that he was the one who I was confiding in brought us closer. I can honestly say, I never felt he had intentions of dating me or anything like that. I know he didn't. He always respected that I was with someone else, and never once told me "Oh you should leave him and get divorced" or anything like that. He was genuinely concerned for my safety and knew I didn't have anyone to help me. My parents were stationed in Virginia at the time, and I felt like if I told them, they would think I was irresponsible and couldn't handle things by myself.

So, to make a very long story sort of short..I did get out of the relationship I was in. I took about two months to kind of be by myself. By that I mean, hanging out with friends every night, pulling all nighters, probably drinking more than I should (I shouldn't have been at all actually since I was 20. Oops! :). I felt a little bit out of control. I realized I was never meant to be one of those girls. David and I started having totally platonic movie nights, lunch dates, stuff like that. Then, on one of those movie nights, we talked for hours. Him sitting on his couch, me about five feet away in his leather chair. He asked me to come sit by him on the couch and I did. This lead to our first kiss. Aww. So, I guess you could say that's when we officially became a couple. There were a few bumps in the road after that, where we weren't sure if our timing was right. But, it obviously worked out, led to many wonderful date nights, trips together, and the most romantic engagement ever. Ok, I'm biased, so what. Then of course, we made it official on October 1, 2006 at 4:00 pm. Then..we sailed away for seven days to Mexico. Bliss.

Now, it's five years later. While I'm not where I thought I would be after five years, my marriage has kind of exceeded my expectations. There have been ups and downs, no marriage is without those. But, we've come out of those even stronger than ever. We've been through more than most couples have in five years..and technically most of it happened within the first three years. There's been illness, both with me and with family members which effected us, a devastating miscarriage and grueling fertility treatments, trust issues, financial issues, and I'm sure more stuff I can't think of at the moment. Obviously, that's a lot to deal with. But we did it. There's no one else I would rather go through those things with than David. He knows how to be there for me, and he's been amazing through it all. It's not a secret that I struggle a lot with anxiety, and I can admit it I had a huge mental breakdown last summer after an encounter with my biological father. It triggered a lot of things from my childhood and pretty much rocked me to the core. It's something I'm still dealing with and continue to get help for. David has been so supportive through everything, I just really can't express it enough.

He can calm me down like no one can. There's been times where I've been in full on anxiety attacks and he's just held me and talked me through it. I don't think I'll ever know how I got so lucky..to share my life with someone who loves me as much as he does, who tells me that on a daily basis, who's my #1 fan, who thinks all the nerdy things about me are cute, who holds me when I need it, and stays away from me when I need it.

Of course there's times where we get on eachothers nerves. It's not all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Marriage is work. Anyone who thinks it won't take work, that it's all just gonna be romantic all the time, talk to people who have been married awhile before you walk down the aisle. Don't let the trials get you down, don't bail on it when things aren't perfect.

A wise man once told me (that wise man is my husband), that sometimes it's a choice. You're not always going to feel loving. You're not always going to feel like sharing or serving (and the serving goes for the husband AND wife). The honeymoon stage will end. You're going to be pissed sometimes. Frustrated. Angry as hell. Those are the times when you have to choose to love. Choose to serve. Choose to be committed. Choose to stay.


I thought it was genius. And I'm glad he's mine.

Lagging..

I know..I'm totally lagging on blogging lately. But I have a good excuse! My five year wedding anniversary was October 1st..and then we spent four days at Disneyland last week (I know, I'm so lucky!). Lot's of updates to come soon..and of course..I need to finish my Disney Challenge! Thanks to all my family and friends to the anniversary calls, texts, fb posts..all of it. We appreciate it so much and are truly blessed to have such a loving family and great friends!!

Disney Challenge #6

#6: Favorite Animal

So..this is a hard one. Considering there's animals in like pretty much every Disney movie. But, I go with what first pops into my head. Are you ready to meet someone so sweet and love able, you would definitely adopt him off the streets of New York City?





Why, it's Oliver of course. This is actually the first Disney movie I remember seeing. I had to look up the release date because I know it came out before Little Mermaid, and I was like 5 when that came out, so it was crazy to me that I remembered something from before that. Sure enough it was November 18, 1988..only one day away from my fourth birthday..and I'm sure my mom probably took me for my birthday. I used to feel kind of spoiled by Disney and I think it's one thing that started my love for them was that the new movies always would come out around my birthday. Little Mermaid was November of 1989, then Beauty & The Beast in November of 1991 (You don't even want to know how many times my dad took me to see that one in the theater..ha!)..anyway, I think it made me feel special :)

Oliver is just soo adorable! All he wants is an owner who loves him and plays with him and sure enough he finds that in Jenny, a lonely little girl who adopts him. Oliver runs into some crazy shenanigans on the way, but he eventually gets everything he wants. He's love able and sweet, and orange. My favorite kind of kitty :) Plus, just like one of the songs in the movie says, "He's steet smart, he's got New York City heart." Love. I had my very own Jenny moment about 10 years ago, when on a rainy night, I heard meowing while driving with my boyfriend at the time. We were stopped at a stop sign at the end of a street and I heard meows, so we had to stop. Sure enough there were two brand new kittens that someone had dumped in the gutter. One was orange, one black and white. We took them to his mom's house and dried them off and fed them and gave them a comfy bed to sleep in. The black and white one hadn't even opened her eyes yet so you can just imagine how tiny they were. I of course fell in love with the little bitty orange guy, and he ended up being my mom's "Mother's Day Gift" that next day, which was Mother's Day 2001. I brought him home and of course my family fell in love with the "precious" little guy, he was so tiny and defenseless. Ha! If you only knew! That cat grew up to be the craziest one you'd ever meet. But we still love him..my very own little Oliver.. :)

Disney Challenge: #5

#5: Favorite Hero

He's somone who's very near and dear to my heart. He's from a movie that I ADORE more than I can even express. I even got picked BY him out of the crowd of literally thousands during the 50th Anniversary of Disneyland, during a parade, and got to dance with him. It was a Pixar "Dance Party Parade" at California Adventure, and of course I was on the sidelines shaking my groove thing, and he came right over to me, and pulled me over to where they would park each float for about a minute each and dance with the crowd, and we danced together. I might've been the only 20 year old out there, but I was having fun, and that's all that matters. So, you wanna know who it is? Don't get scared...




It's Sulley, my love! This photo was taken on a different trip than I mentioned before, when my husband and I took the kids to Disneyland for Christmas time in 2006. Can you tell I'm excited?

Sulley has such a kind and gentle heart. Monsters, Inc is definitely my favorite Pixar movie. My husband and I argue (not like mean argue lol) over this sometimes. He's a big Toy Story & UP lover, and I am too of course. But I've been in love with this one since it came out. I just think it's great. I even have the cutest stuffed Sulley doll that I always have to sleep with when I'm sick.

My husband and I sometimes call eachother pet names "Boo" & "Kitty". It started way before we were even together. I wore my hair in cute pigtails (not on the top of my head though haha) to work back when we worked at Harris together, and he started calling me Boo. So then everytime I would see him at work I would great him with "Kitty!!". Yeah, we're cute. I love him so. We went to Monsters, Inc on ice one year and it was fun!

The last scene always gets me..I cry everytime. Here is why he's my favorite hero :)

Sulley is the quintessential hero. He's a faithful, record-setting employee at Monsters, Inc. and well-liked by all of his co-workers, especially his best friend Mike. This principled and esteemed furry blue monster soon becomes a father figure for Boo, the little human girl who wanders on to the other side of her bedroom closet. Though he scares kids for a living, off-duty Sulley is eminently warm to Boo and everyone else. In one of several hefty cartoon character voiceovers he did in a short period, John Goodman gets this performance especially right. He aptly conveys Sulley's ability to be both frighteningly forceful and like a big teddy bear who is worthy of Boo's endearing nickname "Kitty."

P.S. CAN'T FREAKING WAIT FOR THE MONSTERS,INC PREQUEL!!! NOVEMBER 2012!!

Disney Challenge: # 4

#4: Favorite Prince

Has, and always will be, Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. What a hottie :)




On first examination, Eric could easily be wrongly written off as shallow and superficial. He's young and romantic, and wants what every young man should want in a wife, someone he shares a connection with, someone he loves. That he happens to fall in love with Ariel at first sight is incidental. As he grows closer to the girl he believes is not the one who rescued him, he shows that he has a good heart, and he's willing to let the tide take him where he needs to go. Besides this, Eric is genuinely brave and dedicated, as he sets out to assist Ariel in defeating Ursula, unarmed and in a dinghy, and ultimately defeating the Sea Witch himself.

Strong of character, stoic, but sensitive, Eric is definitely an admirable hero.

Plus, did I mention, he's super hot? My best friend Marcy and I just had a conversation the other day about how some of the Disney Princes are hot. Yes, these are one of the many things we discuss. Pathetic to some, but hey, we're awesome.

Disney Challenge: #3

#3: Favorite Heroine

This was kind of a hard one to think of. I mean, I've seen all the animated Disney movies, and most of the live action ones. Well, except for those lame direct to dvd ones..you know "Santa Buddies" and all that crap. Sorry, but it is. It's just a quick way to make a buck, and it goes against everything I believe Disney should stand for. I do no think those, or the lame sequels to the animated classics would have been made if my dear Walt were still with us. Anyway..on to the heroine.

I thought long and hard about this. Mom, I think you're gonna love it. Try not to cry because I know what you'll be thinking of when you read it.

My favorite heroine is..Miss Bianca from The Rescuers. The reason I know my mom will love it, is because she literally has a Miss Bianca ornament from McDonalds that hangs on her tree every year, and I've had it since I was like four years old. It's so very cute, actually well made from felt, and classy like Miss Bianca is herself. It doesn't show very much wear and tear, but it's become quite a nostalgic item in our (well, my parents) household and she still won't part with it to let me hang on my own Christmas Tree. Oh well, I guess it's like a part of me is on their tree when we can't be together for Christmas.

The Rescuers was a great movie, one of the first I remember watching on VHS. I adore Bianca and Bernard, and just the whole storyline is very touching. I got to see the United Nations when I was in NYC last summer and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe there was a secret Resuce Aide Society Meeting going on..

Bianca is like me in some ways I think.
She's prissy, and well-dressed (Duh..totally like me!) but never shies away from an adventure (Me too) Miss Bianca is a refined rodent (Not so much) who is unflappable in the face of danger (Ehh..I do ok sometimes) She may seem a little frosty, but leaps to the aid of a young orphan who is held captive on a steam ship. I won't ruin the ending, I know not all of you are as hip on the Disney films as I am :)
Such a tiny little thing, who does such a huge thing by getting that poor little girl Penny out of a bad situation, all while still being fabulous. Powdering her nose, and spraying herself with perfume. You can be a little hottie and still help save some orpahns ya know! Now if only I could find that cute little hat and coat!

Health Update

Ahh! I'm kind of slacking on my Disney Challenge! I know you're hanging on the edge of your seats, don't worry, I'll catch up! :) Thought I would do a little update on my health. I get a lot of texts and facebook messages asking about it, and I don't like to bombard people with like 800 word texts (unless it's my mom haha), so I know a lot of my FB friends and family read my blog (Which you should become a follower too! I only have like 8!) so I mainly do the updates here. Sometimes on FB too, but hey, I have male friends who I'm sure don't want to hear about my vaginal ultrasounds.

I've been doing the diet they reccomend for Endometriosis patients for close to two months now. I'm not perfect with it, but getting there. The problem is, I'm having a horrible time gaining weight on it. So, I've been kind of down about the way my body is lately. Everyone who knows me knows I've always been thin. But, right now I'm TOO thin. Like none of my clothes fit me. Everything just hangs. I've lost what little boobs I had, and my butt too. Which say what you will, but I've always had a pretty thick booty going on. Definitely was bigger than what it should've been for someone who's 5'3 and a size 2..haha. So yeah, I can't even fill out my jeans anymore. Kinda depressing. I think it's mainly because of cutting out dairy. So, I've been trying to eat a little here and there. I'm trying to avoid having to go on those nasty shakes to help me put the weight back on. My primary Dr lectures me every few weeks when I see her because I seem to just keep losing it and of course they weigh me at every appointment. I think I'm thinner now than when I had mono..and that was bad. I'm at about 98 lbs right now. I know some people are probably sitting here reading this thinking I shouldn't be complaining about being skinny. I understand being overweight has to be hard, but being underweight is too and I am dealing with some major body issues right now. So, say some prayers that I can gain at least 10 lbs soon. Who knows..maybe I will be gaining more than that pretty soon here. Stay tuned on that..if you catch my drift :)

I had some bloodwork done about two weeks ago checking my hormone levels. I think they are totally out of whack. I'm 26, I shouldn't be having hot flashes. Plus, with all the bleeding I deal with every month, something just isn't right. So I'll get the results of that at my next appointment with the specialist coming up in the next few days. The pain on my left side hasn't let up at all, so last Friday I had to go and have an ultrasound done at an imaging center in Fresno. I could tell by the ladies face that was doing it that the cysts are still there. I have to have my ultrasounds done vaginally because of my bladder problem, and usually they don't bother me. I actually prefer to have it done that way of course because of the bladder issue but also because they can see things better that way. So, she used the ever so comfortable wand to go around both of my ovaries, and didn't spend much time on the right side, but about ten minutes on the left side taking all kinds of images. Which leads me to believe they're still there and have probably gotten bigger. Let's just hope not bigger than 6 cm otherwise that means another surgery. I don't think I've ever had much pain after those ultrasounds. I mean yeah they're uncomfortable and all, but man, that night I was in so much pain, I kept telling David "I think she twisted my ovary in a knot". Yeah, I'm overly dramatic and I know it. But seriously, the pain on that side is just getting ridiculous. I'm at a loss of what to do, really. I don't want to go on birth control to try and shrink it. We're in full on baby mode, so we'll have to discuss other options at my next appointment.

One treatment I'm considering is a medication called Femera. It's actually a form of chemotherapy they use in breast cancer patients and has supposeably worked wonders for a lot of endo patients. One girl I've talked to had no symptoms for 8 years. That would just be so amazing for me. It also serves as a fertility drug as well which is awesome. But, it has some really bad side effects for the first few months. A lot of women I've read about on endo message boards and stuff have said they were bedridden for like three months because the nausea and fatigue is so bad and all you want to do is sleep. Now, that's basically been my life for awhile now, and I feel like I'm slowly getting out of that phase and I don't want to take a step back. But I have to think about that is going to eventually give me relief from this disease, and help me get pregnant as well.

I'm also being referred to a urologist to test me for a condition that they think is the cause of my bladder problems. It's called Interstitial Cystitis, and I have all of the symptoms of it but am praying I don't test positive for it. I've researched it a lot lately, and it's a very devastating disease. Unfortunately, since I do live with most of the symptoms, I guess it wouldn't be much of a change, except yet more medications I would have to take and just a lifetime of having to deal with it. I encourage you to google it and read about it for yourself. There are so many silent diseases out there that effect women, even endometriosis is one of them and I wish more awareness was brought to them.

I've become a little frusterated with my current specialist. I feel that he can be kind of condescending at times, and he wants me to take a more "natural" approach to "heal" from the endo. Well, first of all, you never heal from endo. It's chronic. I was born with it, and will always have it. Even when I get a hysterectomy, it won't be a cure because unfortunately I do have it on other organs, like my bladder, bowels and liver. The pain will improve a lot I'm sure, but it's not a cure. He suggested a book for me to read called The Healing Code, and it's all about like positive thinking and stuff like that. I just don't believe in that. Not positive thinking, but that it will cure diseases. I did read the book, and I think it has helped with my anxiety and panic disorder a little bit, and it has helped me relax about getting pregnant. I'm not ordering David into bed on certain days every month and taking my temperature and doing ovulation tests. I want to be relaxed as possible because stress won't help, and probably avoids it from happening. So, I think he thinks I'm not doing things the way I should. I just want a Dr who is more agrresive about treating it. Afterall, he diagnosed me as "Severe Stage 4", and Stage 4 is the worst form of endo. So, you would think he would be more sympathetic when I tell him all the pain I'm in, that a lot of times it's even to painful to have sex, which to me, is wasting time. Who knows how long it will take for this demon inside of me to grow back..we need to take it more serious. He also isn't concerned with the cancer cells they keep finding on my cervix. I mean, he tests me for them every so often, he doesn't just let them go unnoticed, but he sort of acts like it isn't a big deal until they've been there longer. I'm just not okay with that. So, after this next appointment if we don't come to an agreement on things, I'm going to have to try out a new Dr. I've researced another one in Fresno that deals with Infertility as well as Endometriosis, and actually my best friend sees him just for Gyn stuff, but she really likes him. My dream would be able to go to the Endometriosis Center in San Jose though. I've read so many amazing things about the Dr who founded it, but I'm sure the costs are sky high. I read they work with insurance, so I should call and see what we can work out, if anything.

Due to some..ahem..recent changes in our finances where the state is unfairly taking money from my husbands paycheck, I'm probably gonna have to hold off on going to the Fertility Clinic at Clovis Community that I was going to before I was diagnosed. Now that they know what's causing the infertility, they would be able to treat me with the medications and procedures neccessary to help me conceive. It's a totally ridiculous situation and yet another set back for me. But I won't go into details here. That's what venting to my bff and mom is for, right? But after everything I've been through, with the miscarriage, the failed fertility treatments, the surgeries, I think it's finally time to make this our number one priority, and we both agree that it is, but we'll have to take the natural approach for now.

I think that's about all that's been going on lately..I'll have more to post after my upcoming appointment.

Oh, unless you want to hear about the nightmare of getting my wisdom teeth surgically removed? Horrific experience!!! I'll spare you the gorey (literally) details.

Off topic..but..LESS THAN TWO WEEKS UNTIL DISNEYLAND!!! WOO HOO!! So excited! Can't believe David & I are celebrating 5 years of marriage on October 1st. What up to the ones that said it wouldn't last? 5 years and going strong! Can't wait to get away from all the stress lately for some much needed time away..and at the Happiest Place on Eart! With my bff and her hubby too! It's gonna be amazing! Little Mermaid Ride..Here I come!

Disney Challenge: #2

#2: Favorite Princess

Okay, I might get some flack for this one. Because, she's new to the Disney scene. I'm sure I should probably go with one of the classic princesses, but then I wouldn't be telling the truth. I'm a huge advocate for the old Disney movies. I think they should still be introduced to the younger generations, they were Walt's orginials. My future child will definitely know them, as I have a huge collection going already, and yes while I love the films so very much, I mainly collect them so my child will have them. I don't like that most kids these days only know the Pixar films. Which of course, are amazing. But they aren't tied to Walt in any way. But, I had to choose this princess as my favorite because, well, she reminds me so very much of myself..





No, I haven't been locked in a tower my whole life. But I have in a way, been somewhat sheltered I think. Which I don't think is bad. But it does make it harder as an adult, to have to deal with "real life situations". I know that I still have a pretty innocent way of looking at things, and the heart of a child. Which some may look down on, and think I'm immature. I know that I'm not immature, I just prefer to look at things a different way than most. I get excited about the little things in life. I would rather shop in the Disney Store for cool new collectibles than at Macy's. It makes me happy. Everyone should have something that makes them happy. My husband finds it very cute, and of course he likes that I'm so easily amused by things and it doesn't take very much to make me happy.

Rapunzel was excited to touch the grass with her feet, roll down a hill, and see the floating lights. She even says something I always say, "Best day ever!". Not to mention, we both have green eyes, freckles, and fabulous hair :)

I loved that this movie was very reminiscent of the old princess movies, but more romantic I thought. In the ones like Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella & Snow White..they didn't know their prince. They met him once, and that was it. Rapunzel & Flynn (Or Euuuugeeeeene) had time to connect (Ok, only for a day, but still). They learned things about eachother. They fell in love over those things. I loved at the end when he said "You were my new dream" and she says "And you were mine". See..I'm 26 and a movie like this puts me over the moon :) I did think was also pretty comical, adults ("mature" adults) could watch it and still be entertained.

I get teased a lot by my husband and step daughter for how much I adore this movie. I always have to get any Tangled memorabilia that I find. I even have a huge pink body pillow with Rapunzel on it and a matching very large fuzzy Tangled blanket. Don't hate, Sharayah has said "Dang these are comfy!". My side of the bed may look like a kid's, but hey, it makes me quite happy :)

I also loved that I was able to see this movie with my mom. It was very special and reminded me of going to see all the Disney movies in the theater when I was a kid. Oliver & Company, Little Mermaid, Beauty & The Beast (At least 3 times), Aladdin, Lion King..yeah I guess I was kind of spoiled :) I just thought it was pretty neat and like old times :)

I posted a video of one of the songs from the movie that I always sing..I know my hubby secretly likes it. My hair is getting quite long so when I brush it I always have to say "And then I brush and brush and brush and bah-ruuush my hair...". Yes, I'm a dork, but you love it :)



We're heading to Disneyland in less than 3 weeks and you know I'll be on the hunt for some official Disneyland Tangled gear...so far I haven't been able to find a shirt in my size, wonder why that is?