Since a few weeks before Christmas, I could feel God trying to connect with me. Just for the record, I have never NOT believed in God. Throughout childhood I can remember going to different churches in our small town of Whidbey Island, Washington. Once we moved to California, I don't remember going. But I never stopped believing in God and the stories I learned in the bible. I was never discouraged from going, as my mom is a believer, we were just a busy Navy family and didn't make the time. I started going to a church that was very different from any I'd ever been to in August 2005. It was a Southern Baptist Church here in Coalinga. I won't lie and say I didn't feel awkward when David asked if I would go with him. But I went, and I went a lot. I enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed other adults coming up to me explaining how glad they were to see David here with someone who treats him so well and they could tell he was really happy, where as before, he wasn't. So yes, to say that didn't excite me would be a lie. I was baptised in that church in August of 2009 and became a member. I helped do things like Night Light, Nursery Sitting, stuff like that. Then in Nov 2009 I had my first abdominal surgery to try and diagnose the endometriosis and I haven't been back to church since then. For awhile, I did kind of stray from God. I became very angry with him. Why can all these single mothers on welfare get knocked up and keep popping them out like nothing and I can't? How come girls who aren't even married to their boyfriend of a year get pregnant so easily and I can't? Why did I have to have that miscarriage? I should have my 3 year old beautiful child here with us now. Why do I have to go through all these surgeries with no resolution? Well..it hit me a few weeks before Christmas. I had my left ovary removed on Dec 2nd. I had a really quick recovery from it. The first 2-3 days were bad..but nothing compared to the one in May. My period came on time and was a bad one, but not as bad. I just started noticing things around me that I felt was God..that he wanted me back..and I felt the same way. I wanted the relationship that I had with him before. So I made promises to myself..I'm going to read my bible every night, I'm going to pray hard every night and pray for people you probably wouldn't expect me to pray for, but there's a reason for it. I want to be able to give all my frustrations, all my anxieties, my fears, everything...and give it to God.
Well let me tell you that after about three weeks of doing this..I can't even describe how much better I feel. Just about all things in general. But, of course when I pray I ask God that he give me some relief from all the pain that endometriosis causes, and I ask that he let my body heal the way it needs to heal in order for us to get pregnant. Well..my last period, which was last week, was one of the EASIEST ones I've ever had. Almost no hardcore cramping at all. Bleeding wasn't too heavy and I was able to be up and functioning. I felt this as a sign from God that my body is healed and a baby could possibly be the next step. Which is why I'm asking for his help for other things in my life as well. Because I know I will be an amazing mom, the things about myself that I wouldn't want my kids to know about like cussing, certain TV shows, movies or music that I like..I should be cutting back on those things. Not all of the stuff, but let's face it, a lot of TV out there is trash today and I've gotten suckered in. I just want to be the best mother I can possibly me. I want to set the example for my child. How many times do you hear parents say they hope their kid doesn't turn out like them? Well..that's sad to me. Of course I would want a better education for them than I did. I would've went that route but decided to stay with some stupid boy instead. But as far as my "being". The person that I am..I want my child to see me as a role model, someone they would like to be like when they grow up. So I'm slowly starting a process on becoming the woman I hope to be as a mother.
I can't tell you how much praying every night has so far changed my life. It's like 15 minutes alone with God where I just pray for my friends and family, of course others that I feel need it, and then I just start handing over my illness, my anxieties, my fears, my stress about whatever it is that day..and the list goes on. It does so much for me.
I also was introduced to this video the other day...and I couldn't agree with it more. While I would never bash the church (and he doesn't either, check out his fb page) I do believe so many people are there for the wrong reasons. I won't lie and say I never felt judged in church, especially being in a second marriage and all. But when it comes down to it, I felt like I never was able to fully worship because I just didn't feel comofortable. I'm sure some of it is my own fault for worrying what people are thinking, either way, there are a lot of things that I just never understood about the way the church works. This video explains everything I have wondered and more.
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I saw this video circle around facebook as well, but I never actually watched it. He has an interesting take on things. My favorite line was how the church is a hospital, not a museum.
ReplyDeleteI admire your change, and I'm glad you wrote about it. It kind of makes me see things I've been doing that could be different. Maybe I should say, things I shouldn't be doing. I don't want to bring others down, and I feel some of my actions could lead to that. So, thank you for this post, and thank you for the eye opener. :)