A "Mass"?

What exactly does that mean? I've had cysts on my ovaries since February..that I know of. An ultrasound was done and the Dr said they were small and would most likely shed off during my next period. I have really painful periods and am stubborn and always put off going to the Dr in that specific area, so I finally went in July. They ordered another ultrasound and they cysts had grown. So my OB put me on birth control for six weeks, then wanted another ultrasound done to see if they had shrunk any. So last week I went for my ultrasound, and yesterday I got the results. It really freaked me out because when I called the Dr's office for the results, they immediately got the Dr on the phone..which never happens. Usually I call, explain the reason for my call and they say "OK we'll leave him a note and he'll return your call shortly." This was on a busy Friday..I know how that office gets..and it's a madhouse. But they connected me straight through to him, and he said it doesn't look like a cyst anymore. It's gotten bigger and looks like it's not just on the ovary, like it's spread. A mass is what he said. What does that mean? How am I supposed to take this news?

Is it cancer? Is it something that will require surgery and possibly the removal of my reproductive parts? I just don't know how to deal with this news. I go in on Wednesday for a CT scan of the pelvic area and will know more then, but I just don't know how much more I can take of this. I don't understand why it has to be so hard. How come drug addicts and people who don't even take care of their kids end up with them, and yet I struggle and struggle and go through test after test and nothing. I don't know what I'm going to do until Wednesday..and I probably won't even get the results that day either..it will probably be another few days before the Dr gets ah old of the films and reviews it. Please pray for patience for me and that this isn't anything serious. If it is something that requires surgery, just pray that they don't have to take anything like my ovaries, and that whatever it is will give me relief and take the pain away during my periods. I appreciate all the prayers I can get.

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is recognized in all 50 states. At 7 pm your time please light a candle to honor babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth and to honor families that have been affected by such tragedy. The "International Wave of Light" created by lighting a candle for one hour at 7pm in your timezone has spread to Canada and now across the world so our angels will never be forgotten. I think even though it has been almost two years since I suffered my loss, I am really just beginning the process of healing, and for this I thank God. For a long time I blamed myself, then after that, I blamed God. It was so hard to have to accept it, and then to have to tell family and friends. To be honest, a lot of people weren't very sensitive about it. I had to deal with a lot of comments which I didn't know how to answer but tried my best to speak up for myself and my child who I had lost.

Most people don't really know what to say, so they make something up on the spot or repeat old-fashioned sayings that don't really apply. I think that they feel the need to say something, and they want somehow to make it all better. While many of the stupid things that people will say to you upon learning you have lost a baby seem thoughtless and even cruel,I do realize that it is difficult to find the right thing to say to you. I knew I would be upset no matter what they say. I felt that this was ok and sometimes I would just walk away from the conversation which probably seemed rude, but I had to keep myself together.

These are just some of the comments I recieved and the replies I gave in return:

Comment: "This was probably a blessing in disguise."
Reply: "I don't see it that way; this is actually very hard for me."

Comment: "At least you weren't farther along."
Reply: "I think a baby is a baby no matter how big he or she is."

Comment: "Now you have an angel in heaven."
Reply: "Yes, but I'm sure I'd rather have a baby here."

Comment: "This was God's will."
Reply: "I don't think I or anyone really knows what God's will is exactly."

Comment: "Be glad you didn't get attached to it."
Reply: "Actually, we were quite attached to our little baby."

Comment: "Stop worrying. My cousin had four miscarriages and she had a baby just fine."
Reply: "I am very sorry for your cousin. I know how hard those four miscarriages must have been."

Comment: "If you stop thinking about it, you'll feel better."
Reply: "Actually, thinking about the baby is important to me."

Comment: "You can always have another one."
Reply: "Yes, but I still lost this one, and one child can never replace another."

Sometimes the best way to handle difficult people is to simply avoid them until you are up to it.

I feel as though God is starting to heal me. Before I was just so angry all the time, now I realize, I have just another Guardian Angel on my side :)


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Survived a root canal..

Well my dreaded root canal was today. I have to say, it wasn't bad. The worst was the shots they put in my gums. The first one didn't hurt to bad, but the second was up under my gum behind my front tooth and that was horrible. The rest I didn't feel anything and my whole mouth not to mention my nose are completely numb now. I found out I have a fracture though on one tooth and the nerve is exposed..so I'm going to have to get caps put on. He said he could put it on just one..but it would be a little bigger then the other tooth and might not match the color exactly so I decided to just have him put them on both, especially since the other one is chipped anyway. This is gonna cost a pretty penny since my insurance only covers so much and I will be maxed out with the first part of this procedure. Please pray that we somehow can find a way to pay for this. I have a nerve exposed so it's something he said that needs to me done right away. I guess this is what I get for not going to the dentist for so long but I really hate it. Now I know why we are supposed to go every six months and I will never miss an appointment again. I just am deathly afraid of the drills and needles they use, so please keep me in your prayers as I will obviously have to be going through a lot of this come Monday morning and then two weeks after that.

Never Forget..

Click on Share for an important article I think everyone should read.


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911DayofService.org

Tomorrow is September 11th, now also recognized as National Day of Service and Remembrance. I urge everyone to visit this site and find something you can do to remember the victims of this horrible day. "The sites mission is to honor the victims of 9/11 and those who rose to service in response to the attacks by encouraging all Americans and others throughout the world to pledge to voluntarily perform at least one good deed, or another service activity on 9/11 each year. In this way they hope to create a lasting and forward-looking legacy -- annually rekindling the spirit of service, tolerance, and compassion that unified America and the world in the immediate aftermath of the 9/11 attacks."

There are so many things you can do,lighting a candle, giving blood, even just donating a few dollar or sending a text message of 911day to 30644 to show your support. There's a whole list of ideas on this site of things you can do and I hope everyone chooses to do something. We as a Country need to never forget this day. All of us we affected by it somehow or other, but keep the victims families, and those brave men and women who worked so hard to get everyone out of the buildings and worked for months and months to clear out Ground Zero..some of them are now suffering from servere Respiratory Diseases, pray for all of them.


David and I visited New York City last summer. We felt neccessary to visit Ground Zero and pay our respects. I don't think it's something anyone should be scared to see. It's a day that is forever etched in our minds and our hearts, and on the same day, we went to the Statue of Liberty. I've never felt more proud to be an American than I did on this day...seeing what destruction others can try to cause to our Country..then seeing all she stands for and how we will always be united. It was an emotional day, but one I'm so thankful I got to see.

Oh Aunt Flow..how I hate you so..

Soo painful and I feel like it takes over my life. One thing helps a little, Disney movies. Enchanted it is!

Advice from a friend..

So a friend of mine recently suggested that I should blog about my journey to motherhood. Most of my close friends and family know that it has been a long hard road already. My husband and I decided fairly quickly after getting married that we wanted to start a family. Most people know he is older than me, and while he has more energy then most 20 year olds, he of course doesn't want to be too old when our child is grown. So like most women, I think, "Oh a few months and it will happen!". It just seems to easy to get pregnant, especially when EVERYONE around you is! Well that didn't happen. Months and Months and MONTHS went by...nothing. So, I decided to visit my Dr and explain our situation. She referred me to an amazing Ob/Gyn who is so energetic and positive..that I actually LIKE going to see him. Who actually likes visiting that kind of Dr? I am weird..this I know.

After him running lots of blood tests, and tests on David of course. He couldn't find any obvious problems. I ovulate great, have great egg count and David..well he is excellent in that area that's all I'll say :) So he decided to do an x-ray type procedure of my uterus, where they run a catheter in..fill it with dye and let it run through you to see if there's any blockage or scar tissue. Man it was painful. But, again, nothing came back. "Your uterus is beautiful" is what he said. He also told me, as well as the Nurses in his offices that a lot of women get pregnant after having that procedure because it kind of blows up your tubes and cleans them out. So, this was exciting news to me. I thought "Maybe that's just what I needed, to be cleaned out or something".

Well guess what? 4 weeks and 3 positive pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I was pregnant. There are no words to describe how I felt when reading those tests. I think I cried for hours, counted down the hours until David got home, and then just wanted to scream it from the roof tops. I did pretty much tell everyone I know. I guess this is kind of a no no until you're about three months along, but I was just too excited. Now I know, it is a big no no. I was about 8 weeks along. Never felt better except EXTREME tiredness. I remember sleeping for like 10 hours at night, then waking up taking a shower and heading out to town with David to go Christmas shopping and after walking around for about 20 minutes, I was so tired I was in tears. I guess that was another "symptom" I had..I cried at everything. I had also started a new job. I was commuting about an hour and fifteen minutes each way for a week just for training. The actual job was in my own town, but the training was out in the city. I was stressing a lot, I hate driving, I hate traffic and I'm not used to driving in the city. Of course I was also stressing about starting a new job, wondering if I was making the right decision of leaving what was my current job, a waitress at Harris Ranch.

Most waitresses don't like their jobs. This I know. But me, again, I'm weird. I liked it. I LOVED it. Harris Ranch is right off I-5, halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles. I loved interacting with people. I loved hearing about where they were going, where they were coming from, how their trips were, seeing the kids all decked out in their leftover Disneyland gear. Plus, the tips weren't bad either. :) It was very hard for me to leave this job, but ultimately, it came down to the management being a huge problem. So, this added to my stress. I loved my job, I loved my co-workers, knew I was making a better decision, just couldn't really accept it.

I finished my week long training for the Bank job, and spent the weekend with my hubby. I wasn't feeling that good, but didn't think much of it. I started cramping and spotting which I knew wasn't a good sign. So, we went to the ER, and of course heard the dreaded news. "Sorry, there's no baby." I was pretty much inconsolable for the next month or so. I cried myself to sleep every night, just couldn't accept it. I finally went back to work, to try and keep my mind off of it, and decided to stay part time at Harris Ranch. I figured I needed to be around a comfortable environment, with my friends, people who know and love me and were there to give me a hug when I walked in the door.

I thought since it happened once, surely it would happen again. But it didn't. So about a year ago, we went to an actual fertility clinic. Again they ran blood tests, tests on David, no problems. So they immediately started me on Clomid. I was so excited, as I always do, I put all my eggs in one basket and knew it would work. It didn't. So the next month they upped my dose, and actually did an insemination procedure. This I knew HAD to work. Again, it didn't. After about two more months of the Clomid, they started me on actual injections. David had to give me a shot every night in my stomach for about 10 days. Painful, but worth it. I had so much hope this time. We decided to do the insemination procedure again, and it just happened to fall on November 19th, my birthday. This had to be the time it would work I thought. Again, no. So, a few more months back on the Clomid, because the injections were just to expensive with Christmas around the corner and other things we had planned, and still nothing.

So, after thousands of dollars spent, and no results, I have decided to take a break I guess you would say. Mainly because I have other health issues going on and have to be on medications which shouldn't be taken during pregnancy but I have gone back to my awesome Ob/Gyn, because there were some pretty big cysts found on my left ovary, and I'm pretty adamant on them testing me for Endometriosis. I am currently taking birth control (ick) to try and shrink the cysts, and I go back to see him on the 15th so see if it's worked, it not, they have to come out they said because they are too big.

I am no longer putting all my eggs in one basket. I am handing this over to God. God knows how badly I want to be a mother and without sounding conceited or something I think he knows that I will be a great mother, as my Pastor recently explained to me, I am already a mother. My baby is in heaven, and I will see him/her when I get there. This is something that might sound kind of weird, but was something I struggled with. What happened to my baby? Will it go to heaven? Because everyone is written in the book of life, and my baby was alive. I cling to a verse he gave to me from Psalms 139: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So, for those of you that pray, just keep me and my struggle in your prayers. I know that God will bless me, whether it be with my own, or through adoption for a child that needs a loving home. I just hope and pray that this day comes soon!

"When you were in the womb I knew you" Isaiah 49:1

First Blog...

So I've become a part of the world of blogging. I guess a little late, since I've already been on Facebook forever. I guess this feels more private in a way..only people I want to see it can see it, and I'm not bombarded when I log in with what everyone on my friends list is doing. I don't really care that you're getting ready to make dinner.

I'm not really sure what's so interesting in my life at the moment that's worth blogging about. My health is getting better, Thank you God. I have been sick since April and things are just now starting to look up. I thank God everyday for my husband who has been by my side through everything and just been amazing through it all.

My brother just turned 18. I took him out to the Indian Casino to gamble for the first time. Lost 25 dollars in the first ten minutes so we decided to leave. I have never won in gambling and I must've passed the trait down to him.

The weather seems to be cooling down, which is so great because I was ready to ship off to Alaska on those 113 degree days. I love fall and can't wait. Fall means the U2 concert is getting closer...Oct 25th! I am so excited..both mine and David's favorite band and we've never seen them before so it will be a great experience.

I was baptised on August 16th and became an "official" I guess you would call it, member of our Church. It was an amazing moment. I have felt God reaching out to me for awhile, but because of certain things I've dealt with, I guess I was angry at him for a long time. I decided to go back to Church with my husband and just felt Jesus touch my heart one day while in service, and he has been healing my heart ever since.

So I guess this is all that's exciting and new in my life lately. Now off to go eat dinner and watch a probably really cheesy chick flick with my husband..New In Town..oh well..at least it has Harry Connick Jr. in it :)