Let's be real.

Does anyone else out there find it completely annoying at how fake people are these days? I see it everywhere from in front of my face, to facebook, to blogging. It just makes me sick. I believe we should all be comfortable in our own skin. We shouldn't be afraid to admit our faults, to be honest about the things in our lives that yeah, kind of suck, but if you're willing to admit that they suck and work on fixing it, why be ashamed? I see so many people who sit on FB or on Blogs and write about how awesome and amazing their lives are going, when I know that isn't the case. To me, I think, what's the point of blogging? I see blogging as kind of like a diary..it helps me vent, it helps me write out the things I sometimes can't say in real life. If I were to sit here and blog about how everything in my life was going amazing, my health was great, blah blah blah, the people that truly know me, would say bullshit. Don't hide the things in your life that are trials. That's what makes you who you are, overcoming those makes you stronger. Faking it just leads you to believe the lies you're telling which in turn, makes you crazy :) And nobody likes a crazy person. So you wanna know why my life isn't perfect? Well, I'll tell you. I'll follow it with what is perfect in my life, just so you know, not everything in my life is hard right now :)

*I have endometriosis. It's debilitating. I'm in pain every single day. I've also recently been told that I more than likely have developed fibromyalgia which could be why my pain has gotten so bad. This sucks. I hate it. But..it makes me stronger.

*I am battling infertility, due to the endometriosis. Do you know what it's like to want something so bad, and not something materialistic. Something that you can feel from the depths of your soul, a longing so bad that at times you literally feel like an empty person. I was born to be a mom. I don't know why this has to be a struggle for me. I don't understand why God has denied me from it for the time being anyway. He knows my heart. He knows how much I ache to be a mother. I know it will happen eventually. I may come off conceited here, but I will be the best mother I know. Because I want it more. I've had to work for it. That child will be my life, it will be a bond different than most mother/child bonds.

*I am currently unable to work. I don't like this. I loved working. I didn't necessarily enjoy my job at the bank, but I loved that it was MINE. I got to go everyday, do my job, earn money, get out of the house and interact with people. I think I've been good at every job that I've had, because I put my all into it and I genuinely like working with the public, so interacting with people on a daily basis was fun to me. Our town is such a small community I liked getting to know everyone by a first name. Due to the endometriosis and the symptoms I struggle with, I've been put on disability. So I am still bringing in money. It isn't as much as I made, but it's some. So sometimes I have guilt that I don't bring as much money to our household as I used to. I also miss the daily interaction with people.

*I suffer from anxiety & panic disorder. I believe this developed two years ago when I got severely ill from Mono. It almost completely shut down my immune system because I went untreated with it for over two months. I honestly thought I was dying, because that's what I felt like. Death. I can't even explain it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I had it in my head I was going to die. So I started getting panic attacks anytime I would have a little pain or twinge. Even though I'm pretty much recovered from mono (my immune system still isn't great), the anxiety didn't go away. Anxiety & Panic attacks are the worst feeling in the world to me.

*I'm not afraid to share, that I see a therapist once every two weeks. It helps me to deal with the anxiety, the stress of the endometriosis and infertility, and also alot of unresolved issues from my childhood concerning my biological father (even that is hard to call him. I prefer sperm donor).

So, kinda shitty, right? Yeah, it is. But I'm dealing with all of it. I've accepted it, and through therapy, I believe I'm getting a better grip on it all.

So, what's great in my life? Well, alot of things!

*David James Van Ingen. Without sounding like a total cheese ball here..he's amazing. He treats me like a princess, which I don't always deserve. I don't think there's a better man out there (Ok, he's in a tie with my dad). He's at my side through all of this. Have you ever had to have your husband give you a sponge bath because you're too weak to stand for that long? Comfort you while you're crying because you've stained yet another set of nice sheets, and then change them for you? Or without giving TMI here..change your pads for you because you can't get out of bed because the bleeding is so bad you're seeing stars? Bring you Disney movies and desserts in bed because he knows that they make you feel better? I don't know why he was single before he met me, but I thank God everyday he was, and that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with. I don't think another man would be able to not only put up with how miserable I can get at certain times because of this disease, but do the things he does for me. Yes, my marriage has it's faults, everyone does, but our good outweighs our bad by about a million pounds and it's only getting better from here. I look forward to the day that this disease doesn't take the toll on me that it does now, and we can get back to doing the things we did before. I can't wait to give him a child, and raise it in our amazingly loving home.

*My family. My parents are amazing. I miss them so much it hurts. They've never once been inconsiderate towards me while dealing with this disease. They understand that I'm dealing with alot and I just don't feel good. They help me anyway they can, and have never acted like my disease wasn't that big of a deal, which I know girls who have it and have been told that by their families. They've been there for me every step of the way and I know they always will be. I also am lucky to still have all of my grandparents. I adore them, and wish I was able to spend more time with them as they get older, I worry about certain things. I'm so thankful that they show me love in all kinds of ways, not everyone can say that & I'm lucky to be able to.

*Finances. We are in no way rich, or even upper class. But somehow, even with me only receiving disability, we have managed to almost pay off all of our debt, excluding medical bills. Going into our marriage we had alot of credit card debt, yes, mainly from me. Most of it from the wedding and honeymoon. We're about 4 months away from having that all paid off. I think the days of overdrawing bank accounts are long gone..and actually have been for awhile. That hasn't happened in almost two years. I do have quite a few medical bills that I have on payment plans right now, and those probably will take awhile to pay off, but we'll do it. Just like we've done everything else. We're no longer in the financial hole we once were. So, hopefully after surgery, and if I get the results I need from it, we can start planning more trips to visit family.

*My stepdaughter. Things haven't always been great between the two of us. Mostly because of me. I was always afraid of stepping on toes, I never wanted to try and be her mom, because let's face it, I'm not. I was afraid of maybe saying the wrong thing and then having to hear "Well you're not my mom", and then not knowing how to respond. There's other issues I won't go into on here.I love hanging out with her, talking and laughing. It's so much fun. I know that this also is something my husband enjoys because he wants nothing more than for her to grow up in a stable, loving environment.

*Friends. Specifically, my bff Marcy. She's always there for me no matter what. To vent to, to cry with, to laugh with..everything. I'm so thankful that I met her. She's maybe the only good thing that came out of working at the bank :) It's scary how much alike we are...even down to our massive obsession of everything Disney. She's struggled with health issues in the past also, and she just gets me. It's hard to find friends like her, and I'm so lucky to call her my friend. I can't wait until our trip to Disneyland together in October, I do feel sorry for our poor hubbys though! They might get left in the dust :)

So, there you have it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I don't fake it up on here..it's my blog, my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and I'm not an author of fairy tales..I'm the author of my life.