Let's be real.

Does anyone else out there find it completely annoying at how fake people are these days? I see it everywhere from in front of my face, to facebook, to blogging. It just makes me sick. I believe we should all be comfortable in our own skin. We shouldn't be afraid to admit our faults, to be honest about the things in our lives that yeah, kind of suck, but if you're willing to admit that they suck and work on fixing it, why be ashamed? I see so many people who sit on FB or on Blogs and write about how awesome and amazing their lives are going, when I know that isn't the case. To me, I think, what's the point of blogging? I see blogging as kind of like a diary..it helps me vent, it helps me write out the things I sometimes can't say in real life. If I were to sit here and blog about how everything in my life was going amazing, my health was great, blah blah blah, the people that truly know me, would say bullshit. Don't hide the things in your life that are trials. That's what makes you who you are, overcoming those makes you stronger. Faking it just leads you to believe the lies you're telling which in turn, makes you crazy :) And nobody likes a crazy person. So you wanna know why my life isn't perfect? Well, I'll tell you. I'll follow it with what is perfect in my life, just so you know, not everything in my life is hard right now :)

*I have endometriosis. It's debilitating. I'm in pain every single day. I've also recently been told that I more than likely have developed fibromyalgia which could be why my pain has gotten so bad. This sucks. I hate it. But..it makes me stronger.

*I am battling infertility, due to the endometriosis. Do you know what it's like to want something so bad, and not something materialistic. Something that you can feel from the depths of your soul, a longing so bad that at times you literally feel like an empty person. I was born to be a mom. I don't know why this has to be a struggle for me. I don't understand why God has denied me from it for the time being anyway. He knows my heart. He knows how much I ache to be a mother. I know it will happen eventually. I may come off conceited here, but I will be the best mother I know. Because I want it more. I've had to work for it. That child will be my life, it will be a bond different than most mother/child bonds.

*I am currently unable to work. I don't like this. I loved working. I didn't necessarily enjoy my job at the bank, but I loved that it was MINE. I got to go everyday, do my job, earn money, get out of the house and interact with people. I think I've been good at every job that I've had, because I put my all into it and I genuinely like working with the public, so interacting with people on a daily basis was fun to me. Our town is such a small community I liked getting to know everyone by a first name. Due to the endometriosis and the symptoms I struggle with, I've been put on disability. So I am still bringing in money. It isn't as much as I made, but it's some. So sometimes I have guilt that I don't bring as much money to our household as I used to. I also miss the daily interaction with people.

*I suffer from anxiety & panic disorder. I believe this developed two years ago when I got severely ill from Mono. It almost completely shut down my immune system because I went untreated with it for over two months. I honestly thought I was dying, because that's what I felt like. Death. I can't even explain it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I had it in my head I was going to die. So I started getting panic attacks anytime I would have a little pain or twinge. Even though I'm pretty much recovered from mono (my immune system still isn't great), the anxiety didn't go away. Anxiety & Panic attacks are the worst feeling in the world to me.

*I'm not afraid to share, that I see a therapist once every two weeks. It helps me to deal with the anxiety, the stress of the endometriosis and infertility, and also alot of unresolved issues from my childhood concerning my biological father (even that is hard to call him. I prefer sperm donor).

So, kinda shitty, right? Yeah, it is. But I'm dealing with all of it. I've accepted it, and through therapy, I believe I'm getting a better grip on it all.

So, what's great in my life? Well, alot of things!

*David James Van Ingen. Without sounding like a total cheese ball here..he's amazing. He treats me like a princess, which I don't always deserve. I don't think there's a better man out there (Ok, he's in a tie with my dad). He's at my side through all of this. Have you ever had to have your husband give you a sponge bath because you're too weak to stand for that long? Comfort you while you're crying because you've stained yet another set of nice sheets, and then change them for you? Or without giving TMI here..change your pads for you because you can't get out of bed because the bleeding is so bad you're seeing stars? Bring you Disney movies and desserts in bed because he knows that they make you feel better? I don't know why he was single before he met me, but I thank God everyday he was, and that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with. I don't think another man would be able to not only put up with how miserable I can get at certain times because of this disease, but do the things he does for me. Yes, my marriage has it's faults, everyone does, but our good outweighs our bad by about a million pounds and it's only getting better from here. I look forward to the day that this disease doesn't take the toll on me that it does now, and we can get back to doing the things we did before. I can't wait to give him a child, and raise it in our amazingly loving home.

*My family. My parents are amazing. I miss them so much it hurts. They've never once been inconsiderate towards me while dealing with this disease. They understand that I'm dealing with alot and I just don't feel good. They help me anyway they can, and have never acted like my disease wasn't that big of a deal, which I know girls who have it and have been told that by their families. They've been there for me every step of the way and I know they always will be. I also am lucky to still have all of my grandparents. I adore them, and wish I was able to spend more time with them as they get older, I worry about certain things. I'm so thankful that they show me love in all kinds of ways, not everyone can say that & I'm lucky to be able to.

*Finances. We are in no way rich, or even upper class. But somehow, even with me only receiving disability, we have managed to almost pay off all of our debt, excluding medical bills. Going into our marriage we had alot of credit card debt, yes, mainly from me. Most of it from the wedding and honeymoon. We're about 4 months away from having that all paid off. I think the days of overdrawing bank accounts are long gone..and actually have been for awhile. That hasn't happened in almost two years. I do have quite a few medical bills that I have on payment plans right now, and those probably will take awhile to pay off, but we'll do it. Just like we've done everything else. We're no longer in the financial hole we once were. So, hopefully after surgery, and if I get the results I need from it, we can start planning more trips to visit family.

*My stepdaughter. Things haven't always been great between the two of us. Mostly because of me. I was always afraid of stepping on toes, I never wanted to try and be her mom, because let's face it, I'm not. I was afraid of maybe saying the wrong thing and then having to hear "Well you're not my mom", and then not knowing how to respond. There's other issues I won't go into on here.I love hanging out with her, talking and laughing. It's so much fun. I know that this also is something my husband enjoys because he wants nothing more than for her to grow up in a stable, loving environment.

*Friends. Specifically, my bff Marcy. She's always there for me no matter what. To vent to, to cry with, to laugh with..everything. I'm so thankful that I met her. She's maybe the only good thing that came out of working at the bank :) It's scary how much alike we are...even down to our massive obsession of everything Disney. She's struggled with health issues in the past also, and she just gets me. It's hard to find friends like her, and I'm so lucky to call her my friend. I can't wait until our trip to Disneyland together in October, I do feel sorry for our poor hubbys though! They might get left in the dust :)

So, there you have it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I don't fake it up on here..it's my blog, my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and I'm not an author of fairy tales..I'm the author of my life.

Endometriosis Letter

I found this letter written by fellow sufferers of Endometriosis. It says everything so perfectly. I'm so lucky that I have a husband who has been there with me every step of the way through this, has researched and educated himself on it, who is so compassionate when I'm at my worst during that time of the month, I'm sure most husbands would want to knock me out. But after reading a certain part of the letter..he is kinda lucky too..even though my Dr. said I was the worst case he's seen in someone my age (YIKES)..we've never gone months without "sharing a bed"..HAHA.

Not just him, but I have a great support system of family and friends who are always there for me, who have also done research and talk to me about this horrific disease. I even have a really good Dr. But for anyone that doesn't know what this is, or has doubts about stuff I've been going through the past year and a half (This wasn't even all of what I dealt with last year, but thankfully, most of the other stuff is under control), I encourage you to read this letter, and do some research online.

Dear Parents, Partners, Friends, Families, Employers & Doctors:



We have spent the last years of our lives apologizing for being stricken with a disease we did nothing to contract, and we can do it no longer. We are asking - again - for your understanding. We are not responsible for failing to live up to your expectations, the way you think we should. What you seem to fail to realize, is that you are just as much a part of the cycle of the disease as we are, because you are not getting the whole of our person and our capabilities.

We are not "lazy," we are not "whiners," we do not make the pain up "in our heads."



We have Endometriosis.



We know that we look healthy on the outside, and that is sometimes harder to accept than if we exhibited the disease in our every day appearance. What you don't see is what our organs look like on the inside, and you don't see what living with it has done to our emotional well-being.

When we call in sick, it's not because we need a mental health day or to "go shopping." It's because we can't get out of bed from the pain. Do you think we like letting our careers suffer? Would it be easier for you to understand if we said we had cancer and looked the part?



When we get emotional and cry at the seemingly silliest things, or get angry for even less reason, it's not because we are "flaky women." It is because we are taking drug therapies to stall this incurable disease, or perhaps it's because we have come close to the breaking point after dealing day in and day out with the pain for which there is no defined cause or absolute cure.



When we can't have intimate relations with our partners, it is not because we don't love you or want to. It's because we can't. It hurts too much. And we aren't feeling real attractive right now.



When you, our parents, can't understand that since you are healthy, we should be too, but aren't - try harder. We don't understand it either. We need your support more than anyone's.



When we can't go to family gatherings or accept social invitations, it's not because we don't wish to share in your fun. It's because we feel like pariahs. You are all having such a nice time with your children and loved ones - we can't remember the last time we had a nice time, or the last time we were pain-free. We can't have a nice time with our children (some of us); because we were robbed of that chance before we were old enough to even care about having them in the first place. Do you think we need to be reminded of our battle with infertility by watching you and your babies? Or for those of us who were blessed enough to be able to conceive, do you think we want a constant reminder that we never feel well enough to spend enough quality time with our children, or worse - that we might have passed this disease down through our genetics onto our daughters?



When you married us, you didn't know that we meant the "in sickness and in health" part literally, did you? We bet you were counting on at least a 50/50 split of that combination, rather than the 90/10 ratio you got. You are our caretakers, the ones who drive us to and from our doctors, countless surgeries, and emergency room visits. You are the ones who hear us crying in the night and see us break down during the day. You are the ones who wait on us hand and foot after surgery. You are the ones that go for months on end without sharing our beds with us. You are the ones that deal with our infertility right along with us. We strike out at you when we are hurting and angry, and you take it in stride. You are perhaps bigger victims of Endometriosis than even we are. You are appreciated more than words can ever say.



Don't give up on us now.



As a medical professional, we are coming to you for help. We are asking you to do the job you were trained to do and ease our suffering. We do not need you to tell us that we are imagining the excruciating pain we live in, or worse yet, that it is "normal for a woman to hurt." Keep up with your research, find the cause of this disease and better yet, find a cure! Stop taking the easy way out and drugging us into oblivion so that we will quiet down. We want answers and it is your job to provide them. You were the ones that took the oath to heal - why do we have to try to do your job? Do you understand what it means when we tell you that we literally can no longer live a normal life and care for ourselves and our families? We're not drug seeking; we're answer seeking.



Are you not up to the challenge to find the answers?



To those we have called friends all our lives, why have you deserted us when we needed your compassion and understanding the most? Do you see the selfishness of your actions? When we can't get together with you, it's not because we don't like you or we don't care - it's because we are no longer capable of enjoying healthy leisure time. Our minds are consumed with our next doctor's appointments, what surgery we are going to have next, and why we feel so sick all the time. This is not about you - it never was and it never will be. It is about us. Please try to remember what the term "friend" means.



Try to walk one minute in our shoes. We have fought a war for the better part of our years. We are faced daily with physical pains we can't understand and mental anguish we can barely cope with some days. We face a society daily that doesn't even know the word "Endometriosis," much less the ramifications of living with the disease. We have to face uneducated and unsympathetic doctors who tell us "it's all in your head", and "have a hysterectomy, it will cure you", or "get pregnant, it will cure you", when we know that it won't and have been dealing with infertility for the last however many years. Can't you see that?

We have to fight to get medical treatment that insurance companies don't deem necessary, or worse, we deplete our savings because aren't able to obtain proper care unless we pay for it ourselves and travel thousands of miles to the rare specialists that are few and far between. We have to have surgery after surgery and subject ourselves to horrific medications just to be able to get out of bed in the morning. This is not a conscious choice we made, it was the hand we were dealt. It is enough of a war we wage just to try and live with some modicum of normalcy - don't make it harder on us by not seeing the reasons why.



Endometriosis is a disease that affects all of us.



Take the time to learn about it and understand. If you can do that, and you can join us in the battle for a cure, then we can one day return to our old selves and live a normal, pain-free life. We can have healthy relationships with our loved ones. We can stop taking the painkillers that numb our suffering to a degree and become part of the living again.



Please don't judge us and declare that we are all the things we are not - until you have lived with this disease ravaging your mind and body, you cannot speak on it.



Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, someone once said. While Endometriosis may not kill our physical body, it tries like hell to kill our spirit. It tries to kill every hope and dream we ever had of doing the things that make us happy. All of us are out here searching for a cure to put an end to the disease...and we are holding our heads high in spite of Endometriosis and fighting it every single day. We are asking you to take part in that battle and work with us beating it. Wouldn't it be nice to have back the daughter, wife, friend or loved one you once knew?



Think about it.

~The Sentiments of Millions of Endometriosis Sufferers Around the World~

http://www.EndoCenter.org

Three Years!

Yesterday was our three year anniversary. It seems like it has flown by..and yet in a way it seems like so long ago. It's been the best three years of my life so far..even considering all that we've been through I wouldn't change a thing in my marriage. I am so blessed to be married to this wonderful man. He truly is the best person I've ever known and I thank God daily that he's mine. I am constantly told how lucky I am because he is such a good man, and obviously I know this. I am so lucky to have someone who has been an amazing support system these past few months, taking care of me, going to my appointments, making sure I'm always comfortable, always my shoulder to cry on and there to make me laugh when I need it, and these days I have needed it a lot. So here's to three years...and many more to come..and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us :)