I learned today that April 22-28 is National Infertility Week. I think it's great that things like infertility and endometriosis are becoming more well known, and being supported. All of you know, infertility has been the greatest struggle of my life. It has brought me to my knees, it has made me cry myself to sleep, it has had me angry at God and questioning Him, it has caused stress in my marriage, and then caused me to rebuild my relationship with God which is now stronger than ever.
Being in my mid-twenties, I'm surrounded by friends who are either pregnant, or have kids, some even pregnant with second or thirds. I have seven female cousins all on my dad's side of the family who all have kids, some still adding to their families. I love being around all of my cousins and the kiddies, but I won't lie, it does make my heart hurt a little bit. Ok a lot. I'm not sure exactly why it is that I must go through such heartache. But I trust in God, that there is some sort of reasoning behind this struggle. Maybe some of it I have even started to learn. I definitely feel more positive about it. I don't feel as angry. I feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
But one thing I've always known for sure, is that I was born to be a mommy. My heart still aches and yearns for a baby so much, so you can imagine that our child will be my world. My child will know on a daily basis how loved they are, how long we waited for them and how worth it it was, how much God loves them and what a beautiful and precious creature they are.
To my future Baby Van Ingen,
I hope you have my green eyes and curly hair. I hope you have your daddy's long eyelashes and olive skin tone. I hope you have his sense of humor, and my sense of fashion. I hope you will know everyday that you are our world. That you are our little miracle from God. I hope we laugh together all of the time. I hope you are better than your mommy and Uncle Kyle at eating your veggies. I hope you love that I will read to you everynight until you are probably too old for it. I hope you let those stories take you away to far away places full of magic in your sweet dreams. I hope that you will never be afraid to share your hopes and dreams with me. I hope you learn to play an instrument, your dad is learning and he will teach you. I hope you have a close relationship with your grandparents. They will be so over the moon for you. I hope that you will play baseball with your Uncle, even if you are a girl, he would love to teach you, and I'll leave it up to you if you want to be a Giants fan or a Yankees fan. I hope that you will come to know the Lord and how much He loves you. I hope we can read the Bible together and talk about it afterwards. I hope that you share your father and I's love for Disneyland and we have so many memorable trips there. I can't wait to see how your eyes will light up the first time you experience the magic of my favorite place in the world. I hope it will be yours too, but if not, that's okay. I promise to buy you Mickey ears and stand in long lines to get a picture with your favorite character, even if it means chasing them down like your Grandma has been known to do. I hope you let it keep you a child at heart, and that you will never be too old to ride Peter Pan with me. I hope it's your favorite ride, just like it's mine. I hope you share our love for music and love all kinds of it. I plan on playing lots of it to you when you're in my belly :) I hope we dance together. I hope we have summers filled with swimming, blowing bubbles, playing in sprinklers, beach trips with sandcastles and you feeling ocean water on your little feet for the first time, and ice cream cones. I hope you believe in Santa for as long as I did, and that I make all of your Christmases magical. I hope that you love birthdays as much as I do. I plan on making all of them special because your birthday will be my favorite day. I hope that you make me lots of art work in school, and pick me flowers from the yard for Mother's Day..or any day. But most of all, I can't wait to see you for the first time. If I'm crying a lot, it's not because of the pain. It's because of how long your daddy and I have waited for you. How much I've gone through to finally bring you into the world, which by the way, I will never hold that over your head in a bad way, I just want you to know how much you are loved. It will be the best day of our lives. I hope in these next few months we will find out you are on your way. Really grab on tight when you get in there. I will make it a very comfy place for you, I promise :)
Your Future Mommy
If you know someone who struggles with infertility, try to be a little more sensitive about things you say. No, you don't need to walk on eggshells, just know they have an acheing heart and appreciate it when people show they care. Hopefully soon I will be able to say that I overcame infertility and my blog will be filled with lots of pictures and stories about our little one. Until then, we continue to pray for this child to come to us, and to give us the strength through this process.