Damn you, Facebook.

SI constantly feel the need to blog. I've always been the type of person who likes to write every little thing down, since I tend to hold back a little on the spoken word. I've always gotten my emotions out better through my writing. I feel like I "semi blog" on Facebook..I mean, I write statuses about things going on in my life, talk to friends and vent through IM chat with those close to me, and then I feel better. But I realize..there's family and friends who read my blog who aren't on Facebook and who I don't get to talk to as much as I would like. So, where should I start??

Last Monday I saw the Endometriosis Specialist. How would you feel if they scheduled a surgery after your first meeting with them? Weird, right? Kinda scary to know my case is that bad. But I can't tell you how much I already adore this Dr. I love my Ob/Gyn and all..but let's face it. Endometriosis isn't his specialty. He did the routine laprascopic procedure, burned out what pieces he could, put me on hormones and that was it. Dr. Taksa, I'll be seeing you hopefully in a few months, when those two perfect little pink lines appear on a pregnancy test :) But for now, this new Dr is what I need. He is so educated on Endometriosis, and is doing surgery on May 9th. Instead of burning the endo, he'll be using a laser, which is better for it. It doesn't cause it to spread to other areas which is believed that that's what happened in the last surgery since my symptoms have gotten extremely worse. He'll also be cutting nerves along the uterine wall, and resurfacing. Kinda scary, right? But, he's seen a huge amount of patients who have not only benefited from this surgery in a major way, but become pregnant quickly after. Now, I've come to realize..after my first surgery, I didn't ever have an open window to become pregnant. Here's the timeline:

Surgery was November 2009. Immediately after I was put on Danazol, a hormone to help the endometriosis from growing back again so quickly. Was on Danzol from Nov 2009-July 2010. So, maybe TMI here, but for my endo sisters that read my blog, you know that when you're at Stage 3 Endo, sex isn't exactly pleasant. So, my poor husband went from having a pretty active sex life (Sorry mom! And Aunt Suzie! lol), to pretty much maybe once or twice a month..and never while I was ovulating because it's a painful time of month for me. Then in November 2010 I was put on birth control to try and shrink the endometrial mass on my left ovary. Stopped taking it in January of this year. Now we're in March. See what I mean, no opening. I've spent alot of time getting discouraged "Why didn't I get pregnant after surgery, I thought it would happen?" Well..how am I supposed to get pregnant while taking Danzol which shuts down my ovaries, taking birth control, and barely having sex? So..with the rates of success from pain and achieving pregnancy after this procedure..Baby Van Ingen will hopefully be on his way very soon. Or her. :)

Not just getting pregnant excites me, getting my life back excites me. One thing that people who don't have Endometriosis don't realize (Please, people, research the disease, educate yourselves) is it's not just pain during my period. I'm in pain all the friggin' time! I've been told I possibly have Fibromyalgia as well, since 60-70 percent of women with Endo do, and I'm starting to believe it. I have very low energy levels, which was never the case with me. I'm constantly fatigued, nauseous, I have very low hemoglobin, my weight never seems to stay up, I have constant abdominal pain, not to mention horrible pain on the left side from the mass, back pain, even the bottom of my feet hurt.I won't even get into what it's like during my period..I'm literally bed ridden for five days. I never used to be like this. I used to actually love working. I crave going back to work. I crave being able to go on walks again with my husband without feeling like I'm gonna pass out. I crave being able to sleep normal hours and not wake up constantly because I'm in pain or because my anxiety levels are so high my mind won't shut off. So, we are praying this surgery is exactly what I need. To get back to myself..and to make a little mini me, and David :)

Trying to get motivated!

Okay, I realize it's been soo long since I've posted. I've had a few people send e-mails checking up. It's been a CRAZY six months. Truth is, writing really helps me feel better about things so I don't really know why I haven't done so on here. But I want to! This is me committing to writing a blog at least once a week..yes..once a week! Stay tuned...

Advice from a friend..

So a friend of mine recently suggested that I should blog about my journey to motherhood. Most of my close friends and family know that it has been a long hard road already. My husband and I decided fairly quickly after getting married that we wanted to start a family. Most people know he is older than me, and while he has more energy then most 20 year olds, he of course doesn't want to be too old when our child is grown. So like most women, I think, "Oh a few months and it will happen!". It just seems to easy to get pregnant, especially when EVERYONE around you is! Well that didn't happen. Months and Months and MONTHS went by...nothing. So, I decided to visit my Dr and explain our situation. She referred me to an amazing Ob/Gyn who is so energetic and positive..that I actually LIKE going to see him. Who actually likes visiting that kind of Dr? I am weird..this I know.

After him running lots of blood tests, and tests on David of course. He couldn't find any obvious problems. I ovulate great, have great egg count and David..well he is excellent in that area that's all I'll say :) So he decided to do an x-ray type procedure of my uterus, where they run a catheter in..fill it with dye and let it run through you to see if there's any blockage or scar tissue. Man it was painful. But, again, nothing came back. "Your uterus is beautiful" is what he said. He also told me, as well as the Nurses in his offices that a lot of women get pregnant after having that procedure because it kind of blows up your tubes and cleans them out. So, this was exciting news to me. I thought "Maybe that's just what I needed, to be cleaned out or something".

Well guess what? 4 weeks and 3 positive pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I was pregnant. There are no words to describe how I felt when reading those tests. I think I cried for hours, counted down the hours until David got home, and then just wanted to scream it from the roof tops. I did pretty much tell everyone I know. I guess this is kind of a no no until you're about three months along, but I was just too excited. Now I know, it is a big no no. I was about 8 weeks along. Never felt better except EXTREME tiredness. I remember sleeping for like 10 hours at night, then waking up taking a shower and heading out to town with David to go Christmas shopping and after walking around for about 20 minutes, I was so tired I was in tears. I guess that was another "symptom" I had..I cried at everything. I had also started a new job. I was commuting about an hour and fifteen minutes each way for a week just for training. The actual job was in my own town, but the training was out in the city. I was stressing a lot, I hate driving, I hate traffic and I'm not used to driving in the city. Of course I was also stressing about starting a new job, wondering if I was making the right decision of leaving what was my current job, a waitress at Harris Ranch.

Most waitresses don't like their jobs. This I know. But me, again, I'm weird. I liked it. I LOVED it. Harris Ranch is right off I-5, halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles. I loved interacting with people. I loved hearing about where they were going, where they were coming from, how their trips were, seeing the kids all decked out in their leftover Disneyland gear. Plus, the tips weren't bad either. :) It was very hard for me to leave this job, but ultimately, it came down to the management being a huge problem. So, this added to my stress. I loved my job, I loved my co-workers, knew I was making a better decision, just couldn't really accept it.

I finished my week long training for the Bank job, and spent the weekend with my hubby. I wasn't feeling that good, but didn't think much of it. I started cramping and spotting which I knew wasn't a good sign. So, we went to the ER, and of course heard the dreaded news. "Sorry, there's no baby." I was pretty much inconsolable for the next month or so. I cried myself to sleep every night, just couldn't accept it. I finally went back to work, to try and keep my mind off of it, and decided to stay part time at Harris Ranch. I figured I needed to be around a comfortable environment, with my friends, people who know and love me and were there to give me a hug when I walked in the door.

I thought since it happened once, surely it would happen again. But it didn't. So about a year ago, we went to an actual fertility clinic. Again they ran blood tests, tests on David, no problems. So they immediately started me on Clomid. I was so excited, as I always do, I put all my eggs in one basket and knew it would work. It didn't. So the next month they upped my dose, and actually did an insemination procedure. This I knew HAD to work. Again, it didn't. After about two more months of the Clomid, they started me on actual injections. David had to give me a shot every night in my stomach for about 10 days. Painful, but worth it. I had so much hope this time. We decided to do the insemination procedure again, and it just happened to fall on November 19th, my birthday. This had to be the time it would work I thought. Again, no. So, a few more months back on the Clomid, because the injections were just to expensive with Christmas around the corner and other things we had planned, and still nothing.

So, after thousands of dollars spent, and no results, I have decided to take a break I guess you would say. Mainly because I have other health issues going on and have to be on medications which shouldn't be taken during pregnancy but I have gone back to my awesome Ob/Gyn, because there were some pretty big cysts found on my left ovary, and I'm pretty adamant on them testing me for Endometriosis. I am currently taking birth control (ick) to try and shrink the cysts, and I go back to see him on the 15th so see if it's worked, it not, they have to come out they said because they are too big.

I am no longer putting all my eggs in one basket. I am handing this over to God. God knows how badly I want to be a mother and without sounding conceited or something I think he knows that I will be a great mother, as my Pastor recently explained to me, I am already a mother. My baby is in heaven, and I will see him/her when I get there. This is something that might sound kind of weird, but was something I struggled with. What happened to my baby? Will it go to heaven? Because everyone is written in the book of life, and my baby was alive. I cling to a verse he gave to me from Psalms 139: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So, for those of you that pray, just keep me and my struggle in your prayers. I know that God will bless me, whether it be with my own, or through adoption for a child that needs a loving home. I just hope and pray that this day comes soon!

"When you were in the womb I knew you" Isaiah 49:1

First Blog...

So I've become a part of the world of blogging. I guess a little late, since I've already been on Facebook forever. I guess this feels more private in a way..only people I want to see it can see it, and I'm not bombarded when I log in with what everyone on my friends list is doing. I don't really care that you're getting ready to make dinner.

I'm not really sure what's so interesting in my life at the moment that's worth blogging about. My health is getting better, Thank you God. I have been sick since April and things are just now starting to look up. I thank God everyday for my husband who has been by my side through everything and just been amazing through it all.

My brother just turned 18. I took him out to the Indian Casino to gamble for the first time. Lost 25 dollars in the first ten minutes so we decided to leave. I have never won in gambling and I must've passed the trait down to him.

The weather seems to be cooling down, which is so great because I was ready to ship off to Alaska on those 113 degree days. I love fall and can't wait. Fall means the U2 concert is getting closer...Oct 25th! I am so excited..both mine and David's favorite band and we've never seen them before so it will be a great experience.

I was baptised on August 16th and became an "official" I guess you would call it, member of our Church. It was an amazing moment. I have felt God reaching out to me for awhile, but because of certain things I've dealt with, I guess I was angry at him for a long time. I decided to go back to Church with my husband and just felt Jesus touch my heart one day while in service, and he has been healing my heart ever since.

So I guess this is all that's exciting and new in my life lately. Now off to go eat dinner and watch a probably really cheesy chick flick with my husband..New In Town..oh well..at least it has Harry Connick Jr. in it :)