Is the word "Abnormal" ever a good thing?

Not a fun past week or so. Well..that's not saying much since most of my days the past couple of months haven't been very fun, due to chronic pain with the endometriosis. But, for about the past two weeks, I've been having excruciating pain on my left side. This is where the mass is growing on my ovary. Back in January, David had to take me to the ER because the pain got so bad I could barely walk and was vomiting. They did a pelvic ultrasound and found the mass was pretty large. So, last Wednesday I literally got no sleep. David was upset about it and called off of work. I finally fell asleep around six in the morning, and he called my specialists office at nine when they open. He told them what is going on, and they wanted me to come in the next day for a procedure. We assumed it would be something to do for the pain. Wrong. So Thursday we get in the room, and the nurse comes in and asks if I've ever had this test before..and I say "No, I'm not even sure what you guys are planning on doing today". She said that when they did the pelvic exam (The one that left me bedridden for three days afterwards..ick) three weeks ago, it showed abnormal cells in my cervix. Oh God. I immediately burst into tears and started hyperventilating. Yeah, I have anxiety and panic disorder on top of everything else.

So, she explained what the Dr would be doing. I saw her open up a plastic bag that had a huge tool in it. More tears. So, I got to spread my legs in those ever so comfortable stirrups (Sorry if it's TMI, but it's REAL, these ones look like they're made for an obese person..my whole leg fits in them and still has a ton of room, they had to stuff sheets in there so it would be semi-comfortable (Ha!), I guess. He had this huge microscope thing with a light, opened me up, and took a "pinch biopsy" of my cervix. Ouch. The sweet nurse stood there rubbing my leg while he was doing it, and my even sweeter husband held my head and ran his fingers through my hair, whispering how much he loves me and how strong I am in my ear. I was trying so hard to get to my happy place (Disneyland) in my head, but the classical music was coming through speakers in the room and was very overpowering. I had tears pouring out of my eyes, it was so uncomfortable and painful. So, after it was done, he explained that it was very minimal and will probably come back as inflammation. But if it's something more, he said they found it early. Of course my mind is racing. CANCER? Yeah, I always think the worst. I won't know the results until later in the week sometimes, and I'm so worried. The last thing I need is yet another set back. They're also going to try and get me in for surgery this week instead of waiting until May 9th, but I'm doubtful that will happen. Something would have to open up this week, as he's on vacation the week after, and my surgery is two weeks from today. Plus I still have to go for my pre-op on Thursday and do all the blood work, so I don't know how they would be able to do the blood work, get the results back and perform the surgery so quickly. I wish they could do it sooner, but I'd rather wait until my blood tests all come back just to be safe.

I'm so ready to not be in pain constantly. I know endometriosis never goes away, but I have a feeling this surgery will give me my life back, at least for a little while anyway. If we're able to get pregnant afterwards, then maybe I'll have years of no pain, since they say pregnancy is the best thing for it. Send baby dust my way! :)

I know I saw this alot, but my husband is amazing. He's my rock. He's there with me through everything, and is never insensitive about what I'm going through. I've read other women post on endometriosis boards about how their husbands are always frustrated with them, how they're insensitive, and I think "Man, I'm lucky". He tells me all the time how he wish he could take the pain away, that he'd rather him have it than me, that he can't wait until I get better. He even has baby fever! He talks about us having a baby all the time. He's so excited. Since December he's been on a diet, and lost close to 30 lbs because he wants to be in good shape, and be healthy for our baby. He's starting renovations on our house so it will be in tip top shape when we have a little one. He's even dragged me into baby stores lately, wanting to look at all the necessities, pricing everything, researching which are the best things to get..it's so adorable!! He's already an amazing dad, and I can't wait for us to raise a child together in our happy, loving home. I am truly blessed.

I have posted a song below, by Rob Thomas, an artist both David and I love. He wrote this song for his wife who not only suffers from endometriosis, but lupus as well. David introduced me to this particular song, as it's written from a husband's perspective about dealing with a wife who is ill. He says the song takes the words right out of his mouth, because it hurts him to see me hurting. I definitely relate to the song as well, the lyrics he wrote about the things his wife say really hit close to home. We heard this song after my appointment and we sat there and held eachother. It as such a great moment. Enjoy the song :)

Advice from a friend..

So a friend of mine recently suggested that I should blog about my journey to motherhood. Most of my close friends and family know that it has been a long hard road already. My husband and I decided fairly quickly after getting married that we wanted to start a family. Most people know he is older than me, and while he has more energy then most 20 year olds, he of course doesn't want to be too old when our child is grown. So like most women, I think, "Oh a few months and it will happen!". It just seems to easy to get pregnant, especially when EVERYONE around you is! Well that didn't happen. Months and Months and MONTHS went by...nothing. So, I decided to visit my Dr and explain our situation. She referred me to an amazing Ob/Gyn who is so energetic and positive..that I actually LIKE going to see him. Who actually likes visiting that kind of Dr? I am weird..this I know.

After him running lots of blood tests, and tests on David of course. He couldn't find any obvious problems. I ovulate great, have great egg count and David..well he is excellent in that area that's all I'll say :) So he decided to do an x-ray type procedure of my uterus, where they run a catheter in..fill it with dye and let it run through you to see if there's any blockage or scar tissue. Man it was painful. But, again, nothing came back. "Your uterus is beautiful" is what he said. He also told me, as well as the Nurses in his offices that a lot of women get pregnant after having that procedure because it kind of blows up your tubes and cleans them out. So, this was exciting news to me. I thought "Maybe that's just what I needed, to be cleaned out or something".

Well guess what? 4 weeks and 3 positive pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I was pregnant. There are no words to describe how I felt when reading those tests. I think I cried for hours, counted down the hours until David got home, and then just wanted to scream it from the roof tops. I did pretty much tell everyone I know. I guess this is kind of a no no until you're about three months along, but I was just too excited. Now I know, it is a big no no. I was about 8 weeks along. Never felt better except EXTREME tiredness. I remember sleeping for like 10 hours at night, then waking up taking a shower and heading out to town with David to go Christmas shopping and after walking around for about 20 minutes, I was so tired I was in tears. I guess that was another "symptom" I had..I cried at everything. I had also started a new job. I was commuting about an hour and fifteen minutes each way for a week just for training. The actual job was in my own town, but the training was out in the city. I was stressing a lot, I hate driving, I hate traffic and I'm not used to driving in the city. Of course I was also stressing about starting a new job, wondering if I was making the right decision of leaving what was my current job, a waitress at Harris Ranch.

Most waitresses don't like their jobs. This I know. But me, again, I'm weird. I liked it. I LOVED it. Harris Ranch is right off I-5, halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles. I loved interacting with people. I loved hearing about where they were going, where they were coming from, how their trips were, seeing the kids all decked out in their leftover Disneyland gear. Plus, the tips weren't bad either. :) It was very hard for me to leave this job, but ultimately, it came down to the management being a huge problem. So, this added to my stress. I loved my job, I loved my co-workers, knew I was making a better decision, just couldn't really accept it.

I finished my week long training for the Bank job, and spent the weekend with my hubby. I wasn't feeling that good, but didn't think much of it. I started cramping and spotting which I knew wasn't a good sign. So, we went to the ER, and of course heard the dreaded news. "Sorry, there's no baby." I was pretty much inconsolable for the next month or so. I cried myself to sleep every night, just couldn't accept it. I finally went back to work, to try and keep my mind off of it, and decided to stay part time at Harris Ranch. I figured I needed to be around a comfortable environment, with my friends, people who know and love me and were there to give me a hug when I walked in the door.

I thought since it happened once, surely it would happen again. But it didn't. So about a year ago, we went to an actual fertility clinic. Again they ran blood tests, tests on David, no problems. So they immediately started me on Clomid. I was so excited, as I always do, I put all my eggs in one basket and knew it would work. It didn't. So the next month they upped my dose, and actually did an insemination procedure. This I knew HAD to work. Again, it didn't. After about two more months of the Clomid, they started me on actual injections. David had to give me a shot every night in my stomach for about 10 days. Painful, but worth it. I had so much hope this time. We decided to do the insemination procedure again, and it just happened to fall on November 19th, my birthday. This had to be the time it would work I thought. Again, no. So, a few more months back on the Clomid, because the injections were just to expensive with Christmas around the corner and other things we had planned, and still nothing.

So, after thousands of dollars spent, and no results, I have decided to take a break I guess you would say. Mainly because I have other health issues going on and have to be on medications which shouldn't be taken during pregnancy but I have gone back to my awesome Ob/Gyn, because there were some pretty big cysts found on my left ovary, and I'm pretty adamant on them testing me for Endometriosis. I am currently taking birth control (ick) to try and shrink the cysts, and I go back to see him on the 15th so see if it's worked, it not, they have to come out they said because they are too big.

I am no longer putting all my eggs in one basket. I am handing this over to God. God knows how badly I want to be a mother and without sounding conceited or something I think he knows that I will be a great mother, as my Pastor recently explained to me, I am already a mother. My baby is in heaven, and I will see him/her when I get there. This is something that might sound kind of weird, but was something I struggled with. What happened to my baby? Will it go to heaven? Because everyone is written in the book of life, and my baby was alive. I cling to a verse he gave to me from Psalms 139: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So, for those of you that pray, just keep me and my struggle in your prayers. I know that God will bless me, whether it be with my own, or through adoption for a child that needs a loving home. I just hope and pray that this day comes soon!

"When you were in the womb I knew you" Isaiah 49:1