3 Years..

So, it's coming up on three years since I miscarried.It was the worst day of my life. I was so happy to be pregnant. My husband and I were out Christmas shopping when I started feeling really sick, and started bleeding alot. Nothing can describe sitting in the ER waiting to get blood test results back andd being taken into the ultrasound room to see the sad look on the nurses face. It's all a blur from there. I know I freaked out so bad they almost had to restrain me..and put medicine in my IV that put me out...I only remember waking up the next morning in bed, hoping it was all a dream. Needless to say, I'm not any closer to getting pregnant than I was after it happened. Being diagnosed with endometriosis last year was a major road block. After an appointment last week I was told that getting pregnant isn't going to happen for me without "help". Then I was put on birth control for a few months to see if it helps me with the pain I'm experiencing because of the endo. Most people think it's only during your period....it's not. I've been so discouraged lately. I always ask myself, why me? I get frusterated and angry when I see people who already have kids that they don't take care of, end up pregnant. People who aren't married, teenagers, people who get pregnant than complain their whole pregnancy about how miserable they are. It's all so unfair. I know, life is unfair and there are people in way more drastic and serious situations that I am..I guess I'm just selfish like that sometimes. God knows my heart, he knows how all I long for is to be a mother. He knows what it means to me to be able to create a life with my amazing husband...a little mixture of him and I that I know would be one amazing creature :)

So, we've decided that after my rounds of birth control..we're going into full force baby mode. We're being sent to the same fertility specialist..and now that they know my disease, they can treat me better as far as medications. We're moving forward with it, we're not going to give up after a few tries like last time. It's going to be our top priority. While it excites me beyond belief..I'm just praying so hard that it works for us. And I ask of our friends and family to join us in praying for a miracle baby :)

To the baby that I carried
But never saw your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

Today is October 15th

It's National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. I lit my candle at 7pm for my angel, and for a few friends who have also lost little ones as well.

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is recognized in all 50 states. At 7 pm your time please light a candle to honor babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth and to honor families that have been affected by such tragedy. The "International Wave of Light" created by lighting a candle for one hour at 7pm in your timezone has spread to Canada and now across the world so our angels will never be forgotten. I think even though it has been almost two years since I suffered my loss, I am really just beginning the process of healing, and for this I thank God. For a long time I blamed myself, then after that, I blamed God. It was so hard to have to accept it, and then to have to tell family and friends. To be honest, a lot of people weren't very sensitive about it. I had to deal with a lot of comments which I didn't know how to answer but tried my best to speak up for myself and my child who I had lost.

Most people don't really know what to say, so they make something up on the spot or repeat old-fashioned sayings that don't really apply. I think that they feel the need to say something, and they want somehow to make it all better. While many of the stupid things that people will say to you upon learning you have lost a baby seem thoughtless and even cruel,I do realize that it is difficult to find the right thing to say to you. I knew I would be upset no matter what they say. I felt that this was ok and sometimes I would just walk away from the conversation which probably seemed rude, but I had to keep myself together.

These are just some of the comments I recieved and the replies I gave in return:

Comment: "This was probably a blessing in disguise."
Reply: "I don't see it that way; this is actually very hard for me."

Comment: "At least you weren't farther along."
Reply: "I think a baby is a baby no matter how big he or she is."

Comment: "Now you have an angel in heaven."
Reply: "Yes, but I'm sure I'd rather have a baby here."

Comment: "This was God's will."
Reply: "I don't think I or anyone really knows what God's will is exactly."

Comment: "Be glad you didn't get attached to it."
Reply: "Actually, we were quite attached to our little baby."

Comment: "Stop worrying. My cousin had four miscarriages and she had a baby just fine."
Reply: "I am very sorry for your cousin. I know how hard those four miscarriages must have been."

Comment: "If you stop thinking about it, you'll feel better."
Reply: "Actually, thinking about the baby is important to me."

Comment: "You can always have another one."
Reply: "Yes, but I still lost this one, and one child can never replace another."

Sometimes the best way to handle difficult people is to simply avoid them until you are up to it.

I feel as though God is starting to heal me. Before I was just so angry all the time, now I realize, I have just another Guardian Angel on my side :)


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Advice from a friend..

So a friend of mine recently suggested that I should blog about my journey to motherhood. Most of my close friends and family know that it has been a long hard road already. My husband and I decided fairly quickly after getting married that we wanted to start a family. Most people know he is older than me, and while he has more energy then most 20 year olds, he of course doesn't want to be too old when our child is grown. So like most women, I think, "Oh a few months and it will happen!". It just seems to easy to get pregnant, especially when EVERYONE around you is! Well that didn't happen. Months and Months and MONTHS went by...nothing. So, I decided to visit my Dr and explain our situation. She referred me to an amazing Ob/Gyn who is so energetic and positive..that I actually LIKE going to see him. Who actually likes visiting that kind of Dr? I am weird..this I know.

After him running lots of blood tests, and tests on David of course. He couldn't find any obvious problems. I ovulate great, have great egg count and David..well he is excellent in that area that's all I'll say :) So he decided to do an x-ray type procedure of my uterus, where they run a catheter in..fill it with dye and let it run through you to see if there's any blockage or scar tissue. Man it was painful. But, again, nothing came back. "Your uterus is beautiful" is what he said. He also told me, as well as the Nurses in his offices that a lot of women get pregnant after having that procedure because it kind of blows up your tubes and cleans them out. So, this was exciting news to me. I thought "Maybe that's just what I needed, to be cleaned out or something".

Well guess what? 4 weeks and 3 positive pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I was pregnant. There are no words to describe how I felt when reading those tests. I think I cried for hours, counted down the hours until David got home, and then just wanted to scream it from the roof tops. I did pretty much tell everyone I know. I guess this is kind of a no no until you're about three months along, but I was just too excited. Now I know, it is a big no no. I was about 8 weeks along. Never felt better except EXTREME tiredness. I remember sleeping for like 10 hours at night, then waking up taking a shower and heading out to town with David to go Christmas shopping and after walking around for about 20 minutes, I was so tired I was in tears. I guess that was another "symptom" I had..I cried at everything. I had also started a new job. I was commuting about an hour and fifteen minutes each way for a week just for training. The actual job was in my own town, but the training was out in the city. I was stressing a lot, I hate driving, I hate traffic and I'm not used to driving in the city. Of course I was also stressing about starting a new job, wondering if I was making the right decision of leaving what was my current job, a waitress at Harris Ranch.

Most waitresses don't like their jobs. This I know. But me, again, I'm weird. I liked it. I LOVED it. Harris Ranch is right off I-5, halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles. I loved interacting with people. I loved hearing about where they were going, where they were coming from, how their trips were, seeing the kids all decked out in their leftover Disneyland gear. Plus, the tips weren't bad either. :) It was very hard for me to leave this job, but ultimately, it came down to the management being a huge problem. So, this added to my stress. I loved my job, I loved my co-workers, knew I was making a better decision, just couldn't really accept it.

I finished my week long training for the Bank job, and spent the weekend with my hubby. I wasn't feeling that good, but didn't think much of it. I started cramping and spotting which I knew wasn't a good sign. So, we went to the ER, and of course heard the dreaded news. "Sorry, there's no baby." I was pretty much inconsolable for the next month or so. I cried myself to sleep every night, just couldn't accept it. I finally went back to work, to try and keep my mind off of it, and decided to stay part time at Harris Ranch. I figured I needed to be around a comfortable environment, with my friends, people who know and love me and were there to give me a hug when I walked in the door.

I thought since it happened once, surely it would happen again. But it didn't. So about a year ago, we went to an actual fertility clinic. Again they ran blood tests, tests on David, no problems. So they immediately started me on Clomid. I was so excited, as I always do, I put all my eggs in one basket and knew it would work. It didn't. So the next month they upped my dose, and actually did an insemination procedure. This I knew HAD to work. Again, it didn't. After about two more months of the Clomid, they started me on actual injections. David had to give me a shot every night in my stomach for about 10 days. Painful, but worth it. I had so much hope this time. We decided to do the insemination procedure again, and it just happened to fall on November 19th, my birthday. This had to be the time it would work I thought. Again, no. So, a few more months back on the Clomid, because the injections were just to expensive with Christmas around the corner and other things we had planned, and still nothing.

So, after thousands of dollars spent, and no results, I have decided to take a break I guess you would say. Mainly because I have other health issues going on and have to be on medications which shouldn't be taken during pregnancy but I have gone back to my awesome Ob/Gyn, because there were some pretty big cysts found on my left ovary, and I'm pretty adamant on them testing me for Endometriosis. I am currently taking birth control (ick) to try and shrink the cysts, and I go back to see him on the 15th so see if it's worked, it not, they have to come out they said because they are too big.

I am no longer putting all my eggs in one basket. I am handing this over to God. God knows how badly I want to be a mother and without sounding conceited or something I think he knows that I will be a great mother, as my Pastor recently explained to me, I am already a mother. My baby is in heaven, and I will see him/her when I get there. This is something that might sound kind of weird, but was something I struggled with. What happened to my baby? Will it go to heaven? Because everyone is written in the book of life, and my baby was alive. I cling to a verse he gave to me from Psalms 139: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So, for those of you that pray, just keep me and my struggle in your prayers. I know that God will bless me, whether it be with my own, or through adoption for a child that needs a loving home. I just hope and pray that this day comes soon!

"When you were in the womb I knew you" Isaiah 49:1